Hooked up to #12

Thirteen weeks ago, today seemed so far away. My blood was low today however they decided I could still get my LAST chemo!! I will have to get two neupogen shots. I was hoping for one but.... I was hoping that I would have all of next week off however I will come in Monday for what I hope is my very last neupogen shot ever.
I love a good ironic story however not when I have to live it. I had not been sleeping well so last week when I came in we decided that I would not take my steroids last night. Well Maddie did not sleep well which means I didn't sleep well. I think she had such a busy weekend and week that she is not back on her schedule yet. We just called home and Maddie is laying in her Caca's arms.

On the Subject of Birthdays...

For the Family (and those we consider Family) we are planning on having Maddie's Birthday party on 9/17.  After the date I do not have many details.  We are early people so probably 1pm'ish. 
I really wanted to skip a party this year.  I didnt want to skip her birthday, I just thought we should do something just us.  The thought of cleaning and cooking and running around like a chicken just did not apeal to me this year.  I was kind of back in my disgruntled cancer patient mood.  However Jeff made me see my flaw.  More details to come and I will get invatations out this week.

Happy Birthday Jack

I can not believe I forgot to post here.... Happy Birthday Jack Jack.. Maddie could not ask for a better dog.  You are so so patient with her.  Happy 14th Buddy!!

I've got INK...

After a weekend of being very busy.  I was happy to be home again.  I missed Jack as did Maddie and my bed.  I unpacked and got everything back in order and hung with my family, it was nice.  I had to get up pretty early today to head to Putnam to meet with the radiologist.  It was a follow up "how's it going" meeting and to do my mapping.  It took almost two hours.  When they where all done they tattooed me.  Three little dots, but they are permanent.  I will have these dots for the rest of my life...  They kind of hurt right now, maybe it is me, maybe it is in my head.  I really did not want to have to do radiation.  I know everyone keeps telling me it is the easy part.  It just does not appeal to me at all.  Trust me, I didnt want to do any of it.  When someone asks Jeff an off beat question about me or my cancer he usually responds "It's not fun and I would not recommend it to anyone".  It's so true.  This whole process sucks.  This weekend everyone made a point to tell me how good I looked.  Come on honestly who is going to walk up to a cancer patient and say, wow you look awful, hows it going?  I took my compliments but with a grain of salt. 
I have been asked a lot of dumb thing during this process and today was no exception.  The tech who was doing my mapping, asked if we planned to have more children.  Now, I know this sounds like a normal question.  However, after having trouble getting pregnant to start, I would never ask ANYONE that question.  I will not ask Lauren and Scott, now that they are married when they plan to have a family.  What if they plan to right away and have an issue, that just causes more stress for them.  Sorry to get off the path.  I just said we would like to but who knows.  Yes we did a fertility cycle and froze four embryo's.  We have no clue what damage the chemo and radiation will have on my reproductive system or if I will even get my period back.  This whole menopause thing is crazy.  The hot flashes are crazy.  So barring any thing wacky I will begin my zapping on Sept 6th and end it on or around 10/20.  I am really looking forward to the end.  If there is a positive to this radiation thing, I will not have to worry about my immune system as much.  So I can get my teeth cleaned (which I can not wait for the feel slimy, for those who know me I fear the dentist, who cares if she is a great friend).  I can not wait to get my eyes checked.  I also can not wait to get back to the gym.  I found out today I get a free three month membership to Allsport for going to radiation.  I see it as a perk!!!                 

Busy, but wonderful weekend...

 I caught up on my ironing Friday morning.  It took me 4 hours.  I need to not let go like that again.   After ironing we packed and headed to Lauren and Scott's wedding festivities.  We made it there with ease.  We checked into the hotel, unpacked visited with everyone for a bit and then hit Chili's for a pre-game dinner.  Since the rehearsal dinner was at 8 we figured we needed to feed Maddie.  The Chili's was with in walking distance of the hotel.  Maddie ate like a champ and was very excited to say "Hi" to a bunch of new people.  On our way back to the hotel the sky got very very dark and we could see sharp lightening strikes in the distance.  We ran back to the hotel and made it inside just as the sky opened up.  Some one (or ones) was looking down on us.  We rested for a bit since Maddie did not really nap that day then headed to the dinner.  It was a very nice evening.  We got back pretty late and Maddie was already in her PJs.  She fell asleep in the car, the transition back into the hotel was easy and we thought we would all get a good nights sleep.  Boy was that thought wrong.  Around Midnight Maddie started to cry, so I picked her up and put her in bed with us.  She thought the bed was a WWF ring.  She jumped and bounced and hit us.  We put her back in the pack and play, that didnt work, she screamed...  Us being courteous did not want to let her cry it out like we would at home, we did not want anyone to complain about her.  The issue was that the hotel was loud, doors slamming and rowdy people in the halls.  At 3:30 Jeff suggested driving home, I said what if we give her some benedryl.  The benedryl worked and she slept from 4-7.. Not too bad.  It was more sleep than I had gotten the night before (not Maddie's fault, that was all neupogen).  Saturday after breakfast we asked if we could change rooms.  We did, so after packing and unpacking again we opted to rest again, hoping that Maddie would nap.  A nap never happened but she was quiet and rested.  We decided to change it up and head to Macaroni Grill for some lunch.  After that it was time to start getting ready.  Maddie got her bath, she even let me blow dry her hair.  Maddie was so excited to be in her dress..  I was walking in the hall down towards the bridal suite, with Maddie and Gayle as Aunt Ann came out of her room.  Maddie summed up in one word how Aunt Ann looked, she said "WOW".  Lauren was as breath taking.  Maddie really enjoyed the wedding and danced until she fell asleep.  I hope someone got a picture of her passed out (in her PJs again) on Jeff's shoulder.  It truly was a wonderful weekend!!!

Pain

I got my second neupogen injection of the week and I am starting to feel it now. I have too many things to do so I need to tuck the pain in the back of my mind and mI've forward. I need to find the motivation to cook dinner soon. If I have not said it before this one time a day nap is really throwing me off. I miss Maddie's 4-6pm nap. I could get so much done in that time including making dinner. Oh well I will figure something out. Soon I hope.

All is right

My house will be clean once again. My oreck just needed a little tune up and cleaning.

Slept Like a baby

Yesterday was not my typical post chemo day.  We did go out to lunch and it was very yummy.  We also hit Sams club.  After we got home and unpacked our Sams club stuff we headed to Middletown.   First stop Oreck.  I need to call after 9 this morning to find out how my Vacuum is doing.  Next stop Maddie's Flower Girl Dress at Davids.  I would love to say that went with ease but it didnt.  The straps where way too short and dug into her shoulders.  And the back of the dress was way too big I could see all the way down to her diaper.  The girl tried to tell me they left room for movement.  I said I did not pay more than the dress to have it altered and have it look like this.  They said if we hung out in Middletown they would fix it by 8pm. They did aunt Carol will steam it tomorrow!!

I have been using my lavader oil that Deb sent to me and yesterday I got a package from Christina with a relaxing tea. It tasted wonderful!!! I am looking toward to trying my new ritual tonight.

Another one bites the dust.....

I told the cleaning lady that I would call her if I wanted her back. I blamed it on not knowing what time we are heading to the wedding. It is not a complete fib. I just find people do not clean at the same level that I do. My shower grout was looking pink, Jeff has pointed out cob webs, and my floors look nothing like the top of the crystler building.
Yesterday Caca came over to play with Maddie so I could just clean. I got upstairs all done then started on my kitchen. That is when I noticed my vacuum stopped sucking. I want to start by saying I love my vacuum. This is the longest we have ever owned one. It will be 6 on our anniversary. I could not have asked for a better first year anniversary gift than my bright green oreck. We tossed the vacuum in the truck this morning to drop it off for it's yearly the up and cleaning and to address the sucking issue. I was sad to see that the normal orECM store I go to closed. After a brief call to Oreck there is a store in Middletown so I will bing it there today after we pick up Maddies dress.

Hooked up to #11

My blood must have been good today (I haven't seen the results yet) however I am getting my pre-meds. Today was the last time I will see Dr. M. I really enjoy him. He is ok with me taking my port out when I have my last surgery. He would advise to keep it in a year but he understands how much it annoys me. I also understand that I might have to have it put back in, if my cancer comes back.
Angel, gave me my blood results my WBC is 12.4 and my Gran is 11.1. Both slightly high however we are going to stick with my plan to have my neupogen tomorrow. So I can make it thru this weekend with out napping.

Catching up...

So sorry for not keeping everyone in the loop.  #10 went off with out a hitch last week.  I had on Neupogen shot last Monday and by Wednesday my blood was perfect.

Thursday was pretty normal except for the fact that I had a wake to go to.  My little cousin lost is Nana last week.  It broke my heart to see him so sad.  Friday we went to the funeral and that is when we realized that Maddie is very much me.  She pulled out all her tricks at church. She was not sure why everyone was not clapping after the hymns at church.  The more silent everyone was the more she cheered for the nuns singing.  We spent most of the funeral in the vestibule of the Church. 

Though saying I did not need anything with my 30% off from Kohls we went there anyway.  We replaced the bath mats in Maddie's room and our other spare bathroom.  I know the excitement it overwhelming.  Maddie also got a couple of new pairs of PJs since she is growing like crazy.  I was beat on Saturday and could not wait to get home.  I felt the same way on Sunday.  So I was not surprised when my blood was crap today.  My WBC was 2.3, we have seen worse.  The part that was really bad was my Gran (ability to fight infection) that was at 0.9.. I got my neupogen......  So far so good...

The aroma of Manhattan in the summer

I love the city. I love how fast paced it is. I love how freely I can move. I love all the food options. What I forgot about was how badly it smells of warm urine in the summer. 
I had to go into the city today to have a fill and I got a rubber sole put on the new shoes I got.  It was a nice morning.  Jeff dropped me off at the shoe place.  I got a coffee while I waited for the shoes.  Then I walked to David's office.  In a chemo brain fog I was happy to realize north of Grand Central, Park Ave it west of Maddison so my walk to the office was quicker than I expected.  I can not wait to have my full brain back. 

Yesterday's neupogen was not too painful.  I didnt sleep well, but sadly that has become the norm of late. 

Shot update

My blood was low so I got my nupogen. Dr R was in today, he actually wanted to give me three this week. My blood was bad but not that bad. I explained to him how well I rebound after the shot and that I really only wanted one. I will not go back until Wednesday, they always do a CBC before my chemo. If I am low I will get a shot on Wednesday and push my chemo to Thursday.

Pain and Stuff

I know I complain about the pain which has lead to a lot of people asking if it is manageable.  The neupogen is given to me to increase my WBC count, your white blood cells are made inside of your bones.  So the pain I have is bone pain.  I do not think there is a way to not have it.  I do have meds that the doctors have given me.  I do not like to take pain medication.  I hate that absent feeling I get from it.  I do double up on zyrtec, which does help some.  However nothing truly helps, even the RX stuff, it just makes me sleep through most of the pain. 

My toe and finger nails are hanging on however they hurt and are getting weaker by the day. 

My left eyebrow has developed a twitch.  It is normal just rather annoying. 

Ready for my shot...

As Jeff left for work this morning he gave me a little pep talk.  He wanted to make sure that I knew I would probably be getting a neupogen today.  He also reminded me that tears will get me anywhere but wet.  It is so true.  I feel so foolish for loosing it a week ago.  I do want to thank some for their calls, emails, cards and even offers to come here and pick me up fling me over your shoulder and bring me to the finish line.  I think the mental note of that and the pirate card have given me so many smiles this week.  I am feeling sluggish today so I am sure I will need it.  I would like to get in back into a routine though.  Jeff and I got talking Saturday and he asked if I was upset I chose the weekly taxol over the every other week treatment.  I do a lot of reading, I think I have more cancer related apps on my phone than, cooking or baby ones for Maddie.  I am glad I do not have neuropothy, I have read some really sad and scary stories of how bad it has been for some.  However with my AC treatment I had a good week.  I do not have that with taxol, I have a good few days then I am back to bad.  I feel like I am constantly playing catch up.  Even now.  I have three baskets of laundry to fold and iron, I need to clean up my family room. ETC.... However I feel like I could take a nap.  I only have three more weeks of this!!!! Then I am done.  Well done with the chemicals.  Then I start radiation, that is every day for 6 weeks.  I can not wait to feel "normal" again.  I did not set up another date with the cleaning lady when she left on Friday.  I left it as "I will call you".. 

We had another lovely weekend.  Friday we did not do too much.  Saturday we went to a BBQ, it was so nice to see everyone.  Maddie had a blast playing with other kids her age.  She was so pooped she slept until 11:15 on Sunday.  Sunday was like a flashback in time.  Pam and Lou are in so we all headed to Aunt Carols for some swimming and an early dinner.  It was a very nice day!! 

Monday

Monday was not a good day for me. I said to Jeff on Sunday that I wasn't feeling well. I as having Terible hot flashes and all around just icky. We blamed the ick on the wine I had on Saturday. Monday as he left for work he wished me well on my CBC and that he hoped I didn't need a neupogen. Ithumbk we all knew better but I think everyone was hopeful that I would be fine and have a Pain free week.

Ingrid drew my blood and came in and shook her head. I knew it was low but I didn't think it was as low as it was. By the time Dr. R cam in I was crying. I did not want the shot I was ticked at myself. Why does my body react this way to the drug. Neutropinia is not a side
EffEct with taxol. Dr R felt bad and was sorry he could not run and get me ice cream to Make me feel better. I love my oncologist dr M however I think if I lost it infront of him he would have laughed. Which may have been what I needed. I went to the area for my shot and my red swollen eyes gave me away another patient offered to take it for me. When I left the office I called Jeff whom I had alreasy emailed. I got into the car and aunt Carol knew it was bad and I started to sob to her which got her crying and Maddie asking me if I was okay. Monday was just a sucky day.

Hooked up to #9

I am hooked up to my pre-meds. Taxol is next. I think it is taxol, there seems to be a nationwide shortage of it. I can be switched to taxotear. Which has always been an option however I would defiantly need my neupogen shot because taxotear effects my counts. Taxol should not lead to a tanking of my counts but it does. On a positive note my body reacts well to neupogen. My cbc today went from 1.9 to 23.5. And my gran went from .8 to 21.8. I will be coming in again on Monday for a CBC and possible shot. I though I would come in tomorrow but they do not want it too high. I Actually feel really well today, I have no pain!!!

My chemo brain is really bad today. I almost left the house with out shoes. I made it to the garage before I realized. I can not wait to have my brain back.

Sunday Funday.....

Maddie had her flower girl fitting on Sunday.  When she got up from her nap I took out three dresses for her to pick from.  I thought ahead to put her in clothes that she liked and wanted to be in so it would make for an easier exit from the store. 

Maddie was a little cranky since we had to wake her up.  Once in the store she was so excited.  She was pointing at all the dresses and oooing and ahhing at everything.  We went into the back for the fitting.  She stood very still for seamstress.  Maddie even raised her arms to make it easier to pin the dress.  We go back in two weeks to pick it up.

The letter Q

There are so many fun words that begin with Q.  Quick, Quail, Quagmire, and Quarantine.  The last one is me... I thought I would blog and tell everyone what a lovely weekend we had, and we did however now I am on house lock down.  My WBC was 1.9 which is crappy and my GRAN (ability to fight infection) is 0.8.. So I am back on cipro and on germ overload.  I know it was an experiment to see if I could go with out neupogen and I can not, it was still depressing to get the news.  I hate hate hate these shots.  I think it is very hard for anyone to understand pain.  I had to get a shot yesterday and today and I know I will have at least one more this week, if not two. 

Friday was pretty quiet, except for the tornado warning.  Saturday I finished doing laundry and we went out to dinner with Friends.  It was so nice to catch up and hang out.  Mary and Dan came over after dinner and it was nice to just catch up and be normal.