What I have been up to

I have felt busier than ever the past week. I started a major undertaking. Cleaning out and re-organizing my kitchen. Here are some pictures of my work.

A little late

I'm only a week late.... Last Friday was an awesome day. It started out that I had to get an oil change. The place was super busy but we killed time by going to grab breakfast and grocery shopping.
Once home Tracy and the kids stopped by. Maddie was napping but Emma and Timmy know that I am fine with them waking her up. The whole act was great to watch on the monitor.
Maddie has so much fun with them. And Emma cleaned up my family room for me!! It looked awesome.
My company did not stop there. Gayle stopped for a coffee on her way to new paltz, what a nice Friday!!!!

Flashbacks..,

I know I have openly talked about how much I miss my Aunt Jean and Uncle Bill. However I had another set of great Aunts and Uncles that I loved just as much.
Lastnight Jeff suggested we go out to dinner. I love to cook however I love going out to eat more. We decided to eat at Vesuvios. Now the restaurant it's self does not bring me back to anything it was the ice cream that did. After our delicious dinner Jeff and I had coffee and we ordered Maddie a small dish of vanilla ice cream. It came out out in a tiny silver dish it so reminded me of being little. Maddie offered me a spoonful of it. Of course I took it. The vanilla ice cream and little ice chunks in it. I said to Jeff this ice cream so reminds me of my Aunt Shirley. He laughed as I tried to explain it. He thought if was funny that I have associated ice cream with family members. Black raspberry with chocolate sprinkles reminds me of Aunt Jean an Uncle Bill. Vanilla ice cream in a silver dish reminds me of my Aunt Shirley that and iced oatmeal cookies!!!! I have no Clue what brand they where but I have tried them all and none of them taste like I remember.

Speaking to an old friend

I wasn't sure how I would bring this topic up. The last thing I wanted was to make myself sound shallow. However after thinking about it I thought it is something on my mind I better write about it.
Last week I was on the phone with probably my longest friend. I have know this family for as long as I can remember, there is not a memory of my childhood that does not have this family as part of it.
So, while chatting about my surgery (not with the doctor one) I said how I really wanted it this year. With out skipping a beat this person said "of course you do. You want to feel whole and normal again, I can not imagine how you feel." Then true to form for this person, he related it to how he would feel walking around with one.... I had not expressed my feeling towards this to anyone, but this is exactly how I feel. If one more person said to me it is only a month I thought I may loose it. It is more than. a month it is 7 weeks because I had my sights set on 12/9. I thought I would go into the new year as a complete new "whole" person. I thought I could put part of 2011 behind me and move forward. I thought I could sign up for swimming lessons for Maddie however I look ridiculous in a bathing suit. I try on multiple shirts each day to see which one does not show off my unevenness. Good thing we are getting into colder weather so I can layer my clothes. Ugh... See I sound shallow. I have no problem not wearing make up, I do it all the time. I have no issue if I am not dressed my best running to the store, I could careless if someone says why is she in sweat pants. However missing my left boob drives me nuts.

More things I am thankful for

I am thankful for fun mail. I love when I get cards in the mail. I have saved ALL of them. When I feel down I re-read them. I know most of you are proud of the way I have tackled this. There have been times that I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. However, then I think children do this. How can I complain when there is a ten year old somewhere dealing with a much harder cancer. I just want my card and note senders to know that I truly appreciate them and they have so helped me along the way, more than I can express here.

I am thankful for old friends. I read something that a true friend is someone that you can not talk to for years however when you do catch up it is like you never skipped a beat. In the past two weeks this has been proven true twice.

Family pictures.

We found this awesome photographer when I was pregnant. Here are this years family shots. Thank you Melissa Surprise from surprise photography for such beautiful pictures.

Thankfulness

I see this on Facebook. That people post what they are thankful for leading up to Thanksgiving, since I have tried my best to keep my cancer off of there. I will not post everyday but I will sum it up here in one post.

I am thankful for Jeff. I could not imagine doing this with out him. He knows how hard to push me when I can't get out of my own way or just want to stand still. He has let me cry when I need to. I know he truly loves me because he looks at me the same way he always has and I look Nothing like I did last year at this time.

I am Thankful for Maddie. She is constant comic relief. She amazes me everyday. She reminds me to slow down an cherish every moment I have with her.

I am Thankful for my Aunt and Uncle. I have no clue how we would have been able to do all we have this year with out them. They have given up so much Of their time together to take care of Maddie and me.

I am thankful that my stupid cancer has made me slow down. To appreciate the moment because you never know when it will be your last.

Attack of pink

Last week was pretty busy. I finished radiation a day late because of the machine. Wednesday I met with Dr M my medical oncologist. Thursday we met with Dr F and I won tickets to a fashion show.

Wednesday after Dr M, Jeff and I went to sams club. There where a couple of things we needed. One being dishwasher soap. As we walked down The isle Jeff pointed out one was pink for breast cancer month. It is not the brand I prefer. As we continued down the isle we noticed that so many products where "pink".
Thursday, one of Dr F's questions was he wanted to know how I was handling beast cancer awareness month. I said fine but it kind of stuck with me. He was the first to ask me that.
That night I went to a great fashion show that was called silhouette of a woman and it was to benefit Miles of hope, a local breast cancer foundation. I won the tickets. It was a great night. I had first asked a friend to go however she was sick so at the last minute Aunt Carol filled in. It was truly a lovely night. At the very end they introduced all the survivors that participated in the show and how long they had survived. They also played that Martina Mcbride song. "I'm going to love you through it", and asked all survivors to stand. I looked at Aunt Carol and said I am not standing. I honestly do not feel I am a survivor yet. I feel I am still battling this. I need one of my team of doctors to tell me I am or maybe Jeff Probst will show up at our front door and crown me a survivor.

It's been a week

Sorry I have not checked in for a bit. I have no real excuse. That freakish snow storm knocked out our power for 32 hours. We could light our fireplaces so that kept it warm. The difference between this storm and the one a year and a half ago that knocked out our power for 5 days is that Maddie is older. She thought is was play time when we put her in our bed. Last time she didn't cry to get in our bed. It's funny she is not very big but some how took up most of our king bed. I called another electrician to get a quote on a generator. He has not called back yet.

My skin is looking so much better. Maybe I should have waited to see Dr F. I have been using this oil Tracy found for me and curel lotion. The combo seems to be working well. I still have a sore spot but it is real tiny and manageable.

Surgery penciled in..

But it is not this year. My burns are pretty severe and the earliest Dr. F will do the surgery is January. So I am penciled in to get them for Kathy's birthday. I was really hoping for my cousin Debs birthday. But I guess another month isn't too bad. However that means my toe sand date will be pushed back too. I will have to wear a sports bra for 4-6 weeks and no raising my arms more than 90 degrees. I think we will have to put Maddie in a bed by then.

Great day!!

I had my follow up with Dr M today. He was sad to see how burnt I am. However knows I will heal just fine and that my December timeline is attainable. We discussed my port and he is more than fine with me taking it out. We discussed that of my cancer came back we would just have to put one back in. My blood was perfect!! So while at SAMs today I got a flu shot. I will follow up with him in three months and then we will do a pet scan!

Tomorrow I meet with Dr F, I hope he is as pleased and we can move forward, maybe we can even book my next surgery. I am really looking forward to the new year and some sand between my toes.

Put a fork in ME!!

Because I am finally done!! No more chemicals, no more poisons, no more zapping!!! I can not begin to describe how I feel right. I would shout with excitement if it wouldn't wake Maddie up from her nap.

Just hold on a minute...

Before you hit send on that congratulatory email, order those flowers or even pick up the phone today was not my last day of radiation.

It started this morning when Maddy from the radiation office called to tell me that the machine was being serviced and they would need to push back my appointment. My new time was at 2:30. I called Aunt Carol to tell her and to say I was running to target and price chopper, strip steaks are on sale this week!! She wanted to go so my Maddie and I headed up to get her. We did all our errands and AC picked up lunch for her and M and I headed to radiation. There was a crazy amount of traffic at the toll booth for the bridge and dumb drivers that do not know how to merge. I was ten minutes late for my last Zapping. But I was still on cloud 9 since I was going to be done. I ran In to the locker room changed quickly and went to find the techs. I got onto the table and lined up very quickly. I asked what was up with the machine and they explained that it was having airflow issues and was shutting down. The ladies left the room an I heard the machine kick on and I waited for the buzz sound. Nothing.... I heard the machine restart again, and nothing then I heard one of the techs shoe in the room. I asked what was wrong and they said the machine was acting up again. They tried to over ride it but no go... So now tomorrow will be my last day... I keep laughing about it however I think I am on the verge of loosing it.

Maintenance

This happened on Friday too. I got a call that the Froc machine was getting maintenance an they would need to reschedule my appointment for later. Well the same thing just happened they are hoping to see me at 2:30. They just pushed my finish line a little further.

This one is for you Marianne

I never thought I would think of my port fondly. I found it very annoying. I can still feel it in me and it is annoying. However not like it was. I don't know if it is because I have other areas that are more sensitive right now or if it is because we are not accessing it weekly. However I do feel a little more attached to it.

Anxiety

I have a bit of anxiety about Monday. This has been a long and exhausting marathon. I am both glad to see the finish line and scared at the same time. My type of breast cancer is triple negative so we do not have a clue what "fueled" my cancer. I can not take other meds to fight my disease. I have done all we can to fight this. As of Next Tuesday I will not be given anything to beat back or kill my cancer. It begins a new chapter of waiting to see if everything we have done worked. I am not good at waiting. I am much better when busy and fighting.

Differences

There are three types of oncologists, surgical, medical and radiation. The surgical oncologist was very worried about my pain and management off it. They tried different cocktails of meds and reminded me to take colase. The medical oncologist gave me more pain meds, meds to help if I spent too much time in the bathroom, and several types of anti-nausea meds. Both wanted me to not feel the effects of surgery or the poisons they gave me. For some reason the radiation oncologist makes me feel like a baby when it comes to pain. I am a firm believer in "push through" the pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I was dressed and ready to go home 24 hours after a major surgery. However I get third degree burns an they make me feel like I am belly aching. The radiation doc did apologize for the severity of my burns and said that radiation is more of an art than science. Since they want the skin to burn however not too much, the burn does not happen right away either. When I met with him yesterday he said he was glad that I pushed the issue on Friday to get the numbing cream. I don't know why they just did not give me an rx for that from the get go. I walked around for awhile with a cipro rx before I needed it why not do the same.

The pain is still pretty bad and I find wearing a bra excruciating. The burns are not as dry any more and now I am being monitored for an infection. I am looking forward to Monday, however that brings on a whole new set of emotions I will blog about in a different post.

Wait wait wait

Well here I am at my radiation appointment and they are not ready for me. I just heard one of the techs on the phone with someone in Putnam saying that you should be here to do the new mapping plan. I think they are talking about me since I am starting a new step today. Just stinks Putnam is 45 mins from here. They could give me a little heads up but they don't. I only have to deal with the for 5 more days!! I will have a follow up with the doc in 6 weeks however I do not plan to keep following up with them. My medical oncologist will be taking lead on this stuff ;)

Ugggg

My firsts are seconds my seconds are thirds. I'm talking about my burns of course. Since my skin was not cracked open or bleeding they continued with the treatment. I am glad that it was not delayed. I just hate this whole part. I'm waiting for the numbing cream to kick in.

It's all a lie

If someone says to me again that radiation is the easy part I may loose it. This leg of my marathon sucks!! It hurts. I have an oils and three different creams and nothing relieves the pain. Today is my last zapping of the 4 areas. Starting tomorrow I will have 5 days of just my scar. I do not have much feeling there so I am anticipating it will not be that bad. I hope I am right. I am really looking forward to this being over!! I can not wait for next Monday.

What a nice weekend

We started our weekend off with a wedding it was very nice. I had a blast dancing with Jeff!!
Saturday we did a very upstate NY thing. Apple and pumpkin picking. Gayle and I had made these plans shortly after Lauren and Scott's wedding. Aunt Ann and Uncle Artie also came for the festivities. It was such a nice day and Maddie had a blast. She loved tasting the apples along the way. Aunt Ann and Uncle Artie left shortly after we got back to our house. Gayle and Tom spent the night and left fairly early Sunday. We had such a nice weekend!!

Do you consider yourself healthy?

Our insurance has started to cover LASIK, well part of it anyway. It is something we (Jeff and I) have spoken about a lot. I was always scared until this year. It has never been about loosing my vision, it is more the anticipation of pain or what it would be like. I figured after this year I could so just about anything. Since we need to decide about our insurance in a few days I made some calls yesterday. I was asked by the first office "do you consider yourself healthy"? I said yes, (enough laughing) however I am being treated for breast cancer. The second office said the same and they both said I would not be a good candidate for the surgery for at least another year.

I didn't really give it a second thought. Jeff and I talked about it last night and he asked if I was ok with the question and answer. I said yes because I consider myself pretty healthy except for that one part. I try to exercise each day even if it is just some yoga. I eat pretty well and have lost 6lbs in the past week. When I bite off more than I can chew and Aunt Carol gets mad at me for Doing it she likes to remind me that "You are sick".

I don't think at any point I have thought of myself as sickly. I have this "crap" going on but I plan to be just fine. I plan to beat this out of me. Why else would I have done all I have. Am I wrong? Should I think differently? Should I say I am sick?

Article...

This article has been brought to my attention...

Exercise and Conditioning Improves Cancer Survival Chances

Cancer has a way of taxing the body and mind beyond capacity. The body is compromised, strength evaporates, muscles deteriorate and the mind has difficulty accepting the changes that have occurred.

A strong, fit body has built in reserves of energy that help a patient through the various stages of treatment and recovery. This reserve of strength helps one’s body recover from the draining effects of chemotherapy and radiation, which results in significant debilitating fatigue.

Many hospitals PT programs and some fitness centers realize that keeping strength at the best possible levels has some value in reducing the effects of chemotherapy, as well as the reducing the swelling of lymphedema, the loss of muscle tone, the effects of breast cancer, and even rare diseases like mesothelioma. Modern oncologists no longer subscribe to the old methods of dealing with cancer, which essentially kept patients bed-ridden, without any exercise program. They now recommend that cancer patients undergoing treatment, or those in recovery, get involved in some sort of exercise programs like walking and stretching.

Doctors agree that a patient should determine his/her level of activity, and not over do. Quite often, the name and example of Lance Armstrong the world champion cyclist is brought up as an example of the benefits of exercise. Mr. Armstrong made a remarkable recovery from testicular cancer after imposing an extremely strenuous exercise program. He did race again, but we must remember that, as a dedicated athlete, exercise had been a part of his life for many years.

Researchers noticed that those people who watched their diets and exercised on a regular basis were less likely to develop cancer. The National Cancer Institute, in a 2006 study noted that patients who engaged in moderate exercise like walking and resistance exercise with rubber exercise bands had less fatigue and better aerobic capacity than those who did not. Dana-Farber Institute reported 50% lower mortality rates for colon cancer victims who regularly exercised after their cancer was diagnosed. Similar results are expected for mesothelioma treatment patients.

Fatigue in cancer patients, though not a disease in itself, causes some loss of function, and reduces physical activity. The resulting improvement in strength does not bring the patients up to normal levels, but there is measurable improvement in the daily lives of many.

The conclusions are not complete, but more and more oncologists have bought into prescribing exercise and core strengthening techniques. People, whom have always exercised and are aware of their bodies, will usually stay on the path. Others who have just recently been prescribed a program will be urged to continue. Everyone’s body should tell him or her what amount of exercise is right for them.

By: David Haas

I have not gone back to the gym yet. Part of it is my blood the other part is just time management. I know I need to find the time to go. I do feel that keeping up with Maddie is exercise. I completely agree with the writer David. I feel so much better when I am active I feel "normal" and forget that I have cancer. Some days it is hard to find the motivation to get moving and would love to just sit, however once I get going I do feel so much better!! I plan to start walking up at the walkway next week. I think aunt Carol will join us. I will also loom into my free three months at the gym. No more excuses, I must loose this extra weight and be fit!!

Outside

This weather has been wonderful!!! So Maddie and I have been spending our afternoons outside. Here are some pics of her this week

Wait is that a deer....

The other day as I pulled in the driveway after radiation I noticed two small deer at the end of my driveway near the fence. We have seen these deer before however not there. They seemed lost, they clearly wanted to cut through our yard however we have a fence. I was worried if I kept driving down the driveway that the deer would react and either jump on Aunt Carols car that was parked in the driveway, run into my car or worse run into the open garage. I thought for a moment, took out my phone took a couple of pictures (I wish I could zoom on my iPhone camera) and called the house so AC could show Maddie the deer. I then backed out of the driveway parked on the street and went in the front door. I went out to the back yard and shoo'ed the deer. They ran around the front of the house to the other side of our fence and back to their home. Now every time I back out of the garage I fear that the deer will be there. So before I get in he car I look outside to make sure the coast is clear. Here are some pics...

My week

I'm sorry I have not posted for a bit. I'm not too sure how my time flies by so quickly.

This week has been pretty good. Sunday was our seven year anniversary Seven years sometimes it feels like yesterday and other days it feels like it was forever ago. We did not do much of anything. I did buy Jeff a card however never sat down to fill it out, next year. We did talk about going out to dinner however Maddie was not in a great mood on Sunday and to be honest the Giants game was at 4pm so how could we go out to eat and ignore the game. So we did take out from the diner.

My week of radiation has been moving right along. Counting today I only have 12 more treatments!! I have developed a rash. They said it is normal, not everyone gets it however it is not unusual to see either. My blood this week was perfect!! If it continues I will be cleared to get a flu shot, go to the dentist, eat sushi and get a manicure. The doc I saw yesterday said I could get a pedicure, however I am missing a couple of toenails so I will skip that.

Do you think they read this??

Thursday at 2pm is the childrens service at the temple. I had asked for an earlier appointment on that day from the first day of radiation. Since I have the fist appointment they can make it any earlier. When I went into the office yesterday they said that they will start 15 minutes earlier so I will have enough time to get there. That was the first really kind thing they have done. :)

Update about radiation

I will fill you all in on our weekend once my pictures from this weekend finish downloading.

My fatigue from last week was due to my blood being bad. I went yesterday for another CBC and I will have the results later today. I was feeling pretty awful yesterday so who knows how it will be.

I noticed on Friday that I am having trouble swallowing. My throat does not hurt at all, everything just feels like it gets stuck. I googled it and it can be caused by radiation however most of the docs say it isnt. We had dinner on Saturday night with Julie and Mitch. So as much as I hate asking him work stuff when he is off I figures what the heck. He checked my throat incase I had a bad post nasal drip and I had a slight one however nothing too bad. So he said he has another patient who has breast cancer and has the same issue. Yesterday when I went to get my treatment I told them about it. They said it could be but most likely not. I have never had an issue before so how is it not related to the radiation? I meet with dr M today and I will bring it up to him. On a positive note I am eating very few solid foods and a lot of yogurt so maybe I will loose this extra 20lbs with out much effort on my part.

Now back to the unorganized office. When the office manager gave me my schedule on Friday she starred Tuesday and wrote will change due to doctors schedule. So as I was leaving yesterday I asked what time I had to come in on Tuesday. The office mgr said one like everyday. I said ok but you said Tuesday would be later because I had to meet with the doctor. She said back to me "you saw the doctor today". I said no I did not, should I go back and get undressed? So she got up from her desk in a huff to find the nurse to see what is going on. When she came back she said "he will see you tomorrow (Tuesday)." great what time? She looked at the schedule and said 2pm. Ahhhhh. See how this could drive me insane? I am fine if you change things around however they need to tell me.

The actual act of getting radiation does not hurt however my skin feels like it has a sunburn. I still do not have feeling where my actual surgery was however they are radiating more than that. My armpit really hurts and so does my back, neck and behind my left ear. Oh well.....

Does anyone know what today is?

Come on guess??? Anyone ??


Today would have been Jessie's 9th "gotcha day". As I made coffee this morning and got Maddie her milk it hit me. It has been seven months and I still miss her.

Radiation

It's going. I wish I could be more positive about it however I find the whole process annoying. The office just does not seem organized to me. I do not know what my next week looks like until The Friday before. If I try or want to tweak it they look at me like I am asking for a million dollars. They also do not have morning hours. I would so love to get this over with early so I have the rest of my day. Today for example, the office is doing a software update so they need to be done with all patients by 3pm so yesterday they asked if I wanted to come in at 8. I said yea!! I was in and out and home by 9. So much better now I have the rest of the day to do what I want. Only 21 more treatments to go.

Is it nap time??

It is 9:40 am and my house is trashed. I'm not sure what has gotten into Maddie the past two days but she is super busy and crazy. Wednesday we took her for her two year old check up. She is in the 75th percentile for everything. She weighs 28lbs and is 34 and a half inches tall. The doctor was very happy with everything.

I have so much to do today around the house. I started an ironing project yesterday and hope to finish it today. I was also planning to do more laundry however they are flushing the hydrants in my neighborhood and our water is brown. Oh well.

Fatigue

I feel pretty beaten down. However they keep saying if I keep pushing I will over come the fatigue. I just wonder when.....

iPhone app

I found out a long time ago that If you schedule an appointment at Quest and do it online they will have to take you over someone waiting. This is great for inpatient people. Now quest has an app to schedule appointments. So sad that I am excited about an app to schedule blood work. Now if there was an app that did a CBC that would be awesome.

Birthday weekend

Maddies party was this past weekend. Everything went well, the food was good and so was the cake and my baby girl had a blast!!!! Here are some pictures.

No neupogen

My WBC was still a little low however everything else was in normal range. No shot for me today!!!!!

Trending up or trending down

This sounds like words that Jeff would say. However this week it is a phrase I have uttered. I now have to have my weekly blood done at Quest. The do not test it there at the facility they send it to Nj, so I am sure it is with my nipple. I got the results Monday when I went for radiation. It was not good, it wasn't terrible though. I had a blood draw again yesterday and will get the results today. Let's hope I am trending up. Because if it is down I will need a dreaded neupogen shot. I really thought I was done.

My baby girl is TWO

I'm not sure where the time has gone. Words can not begin to describe how much joy you have brought to us. I honestly think I have made it through this year because of you!!! Here are some first pictures of Maddie and her two year old picture from Monday. The last picture was taken by an awesome photographer Melissa is great at capturing "that shot". Thank you surprise photography!!!
Have a very Happy Birthday my Madeline!!!!