I dont get people some times

Yesterday as we left my chemo treatment, we walked out with two of the office girls who proceeded to light up.  They work at an Oncology office.  I said to Jeff, you would think they see enough of us that it would make them want to quit.  I also do a lot of reading on prevention and health issues.  I was sent an interesting article the other day that really got me thinking.  It was about how people with diabetes, high cholesterol and heart disease would rather take pills than change their eating habits.  I would gladly give up ice cream and peanutbutter cups if they said I would never have to worry about cancer again.  If a doctor handed me a diet and it was proven that I would never have to worry about cancer again, I would stick to it. 

We have already started to change our eating habits.  Its funny we started before my cancer diagnosis and have really tried to continue.  We are eating good carbs when we eat them.  We are making sure half of our plates are filled with veggies and protein is not the center stage.  I keep trying to get Maddie off of waffles for breakfast, she just does not like eggs.  To be honest I dont care for them either but I liked all the weight loss I had before I started chemo.  This morning I decided instead of the premade eggo, I would make home made pancakes for her.  I made whole wheat banana pancakes.  They came out pretty good and did not take long at all.  I am trying not to use so much pre-packaged foods. I made extras and already froze them so we have them for a few more days.

Taxol #8

I only have 4 more after this. Four seem like such a more manageable number doesn't it? It funny because on Monday I was feeling beaten down. I felt like this has just been dragging. Yesterday was a turning point for me. Maybe it is because we (dr F and I) actually talked about my surgery. Which for me is the end point. I am full aware that I will have to be monitored and tested frequently for the next few years and well for the rest of my life. However I can see the light now. My friend Christina pointed that out to me after yesterday's post. I think part of it was something Jeff pointed out to me. When I feel "done" he likes to remind me all I have done this year. A fertility cycle, a mastectomy, a third surgery for my port and 11 chemo treatments, endless blood tests, 4 neulasta injections, and a lot of neupogen injections (I have lost count). I sometimes forget to turn around and look back to see all that I have been through. So I am seeing light!!!

Dr R is in today. After an hour and a half wait to just get the ok for today I was a little frustrated. He must have picked up on it because when the neupogen subject came up. I clearly asked if I needed it. He asked why and I just plainly stated that I do not find them fun. Our game plan is to now do a CBC On Monday and go from there!!!! I also tried on a dress of Aunt Carols for the wedding it looks nice on me I will need to either do a ton of ab work in the next few weeks or look into spanks. If I am not feeling too foggy after this we will take the other two dresses back. I also noticed the leather on the heel of my new shoe is not attached so I plan to exchange them too. I hope the have another 5.5.

Fill 'Er up.....

I am on my way home from what might have been my last fill. I will go back in two weeks for a check and maybe just a little more saline. The more we expand the more room we have for shrinkage. It's better to over expand now then after. Today was the first I could pin Dr F down on when he thinks we could do the next surgery. It all depends on how I am healing from the radiation burn. However he thinks December or January if I wanted to wait (December is usually a busy time). Why wait??? There are many reasons not too, one in January I start a whole new insurance schedule. I would like to not hit all of my deductibles and out of pocket costs by the first month of the year (like I did this year). And I could have new boobs for the holidays and our trip. The trip is not planned at all. I have been looking at Disney cruises again. We really enjoyed our last one and Maddie just loves Mickey!!! I will sit down later and compare all of our options and figure out the best deal and time for us.

Cancer Sucks... Let me count the ways....

Recently we Jeff started listening to Imus in the morning.  On days I get up before Maddie does I have been watching the show too.  Imus likes to tell everyone that he has cancer, if someone asks how he is, his reply is I have cancer, how do you think?  I dont think he says it for sympathy or for the shock value in it.  I think it cuts down on him hearing a lot of crap from people. 

On Friday we got a nice letter from Central Hudson, telling us we are energy abusers.  Aunt Carol was here and even though she is retired from there still spews the company line.  She told me that I had the house too cool on Friday that on very hot days CH recommends keeping he thermostat at 78.  I said I thought I was being good for keeping it at 74.  I also said why dont they do Robo calls to tell people what they should be keeping their thermostat on, I didnt know I should be keeping it at 78.  In the letter it also we are using more energy this year than last.  I said I will try to keep the house warmer than my normal 70 or 71.  Jeff's retort was you have cancer and if you are hot, make the house cooler.  We will try to be "greener" next year.

I think it is so easy for people to forget that I do have cancer.  I push myself to try and be as normal as I was.  I try not to succumb to the ill effects of the chemo or neupogen.  When you look at me I look pretty normal, well as normal as I can look with out much hair.  I am reminded all the time.  From the funny taste in my mouth, to the tingly toe nails or to my missing boob.  Yes, I say it looks more normal but it still is not there, I still have a seven inch scar across it, I still do not have feeling there.  And, I am reminded of this every time I change, put clothes on or shower.  I never noticed how annoying it is to have a mirror across from our clear glass shower doors before this. 

One of the side effects to taxol is that my nails will get funny and probably fall off.  Well it has started.  My toe nail on my big left toe is getting funny and I think if I touched it, it would come off.  Good thing I am not a foot toucher.  My finger nails are cracking too.  I am trying to keep both my feet and hand moisturised but I think it is just enviable that they will go.  It isnt too painful.  It is more of an annoying burning feeling at the nail beds.

Saturday we decided to go dress shopping.  I did come home with two very nice dresses.  Im not sure either one really fits the bill.  It is very hard to find clothes.  I am still lopsided, my expander is higher than my real boob so I am always "fixing" them. I can not keep up a strapless bra, so I need a dress that I can wear a bra with.  I also want it to cover the scar from my port and not really draw attention to my uneveness.  All the steroids and my addiction to cookies have made me gain 19lbs.  I look and feel like a blimp.  I should really be on the treadmill and not blogging......  After the dresses we hit nordstrom for some closed toe shoes.  All my dressy shoes are open toed, you can see that might not look pretty when my toe nails fall off.  Shoe shopping and the burger from Bobby's Burger Palace where the highlight of my day.  I have never had so many options for shoes.  I got a great pair of red shoes.  I did try on a pair with a lovely red soul!!! I was shocked how comfortable they where. I could not run a marathon in them, but...
I just could not spend that on shoes.  However if someone wants to send me a gift?????

7th Taxol under my belt

Well I am not wearing a belt since all my pants and shorts are tight.  I seem to be the only concerned or annoyed by this.  Of course I am the one controlling what I eat and I have not been good.  I now has less than a month to get ready for Lauren and Scotts wedding so I really need to cut out the junk, the desserts, and bread again.

Yesterday Dr Reyes was in.  He is okay with me eating ice cream and said once we are over this hump we can discuss diet modification.  He was happy to hear how we eat though.  My blood was very good yesterday so we are sticking with the one neupogen injection.   I did call my insurance last week to see what my copay would be for the neupogen if we wanted to do it at home.  It would be three times what I would pay for my normal copay, needless to say I will be heading to fishkill to get the shot. 

I made grilled grouper this week, it came out pretty good, it tasted better than it looked, I need to work on my turning technique.  I plan to also to try to make a whole red snapper this week.  Maybe tomorrow.  I also tried my hand at scallops again they came out awesome and they where so easy.  We did not have Maddie try them, I am a bit worried to try shell fish with her.  The pediatrician said to wait until she is 4, so we will. 

Jack is doing really well on this raw diet.  I am buying the premade stuff, he eats it much nicer and cleaner than the raw chicken wings.  This week we tried Rabbit  and it was a huge hit.  I am not shocked.  I think we will try venison next.  His coat is shiny and he is hardly shedding, he is looking good for an old man.  I think we will get him a new orthopedic dog bed for his birthday, he is going to be 14 on the 22nd of Aug. 

It has been a pretty quiet week here so far :o)  Debbie is now loving referred to as Guppie, not to sure why but she is.  Maddie has asked for her CaCa and even Joel.  Good thing they will be home tomorrow, I think they all miss each other.  I am actually shocked Aunt Carol hasnt called today to check in on my pain after my shot.  It isnt too bad today.  My jaw hurts a little but I can at least move it.  I have some aches but nothing too bad.  Maybe this will be the worse of it..  I only have 5 more chemos to go.

Random Stuff....

Jack had his yearly appointment yesterday with the vet.  It went very well, we are just waiting on some blood work.  We also discussed BARF, which is feeding raw.  Jack loves raw and it makes me what to BARF.  We are doing a modified BARF right now and it is going well and I am not to skeeved out by it.

Yesterday when we spoke to Dr A.M.P. (absent minded professor) he thinks ice cream is the root of all evils as well.  He thinks milk and dairy are leading cancer causers.  If i die of cancer can some make sure that my obit reads that my addiction to ice cream won.  I have also decided I want to be cremated.  I always thought I would want to be put in a mausoleum like Aunt Jean and Uncle Bill.  The more I have thought about this and talked to Jeff about it the more I want to be more portable.  If I die first he will likely not stay in this area.  I am not a big fan of visiting the cemetery and do not expect anyone to visit me but I would at least like to be near Jeff and Maddie.  I think I came to this decision after Jessie passed.  We had her cremated and now she can move with us anywhere.  Can you imagine the label on that moving box.  Fragile, Jessie, Mom etc....

I am still in shock that I asked for a neupogen this week.  I go today at noon.  I was very worried that with out any I would have to be pushed back another week and it is important to stay on schedule.  Not just for my own neurotic reasons but for the best outcome of my treatment. 

There has been this major debate going on.  Dr Mazilli would like to deflate my expander (new boob in progress) when he does the radiation therapy.  Dr F (my plastic surgeon) said this is old data.  I have reached out to a bunch of docs about this in the field and not and they all seem to lean with not deflating it.  That it was old data that Dr Mazilli was quoting.  There is another doc in that practice that I plan to meet with and see what his thoughts are.  There are not too many radiation oncologists in this area with good reputations, so it makes it hard to "shop around".  

Tracy and Dave did some internet searching and found a rental for Aunt Carol and Uncle Joel so they will be going away!! I think they both need this break.  Deb to the rescue again.  I can not wait to see her and catch up.

Hooked up for #6

Here I am hooked up for #6. this is my halfway point only six more to go. I feel like I should be happier, but I feel beaten down today. I met with the oldest doc at the practice today, be is almost retired and fills in while the other docs vacation. Some one refered to him as the absent minded professor. I now see why. He feels my cancer is more of an Environmental epidemic. He asked if I use deodorant, I did not smell him but he is not a fan of the stuff. He also thinks bleach is a major cause. He also thinks milk and dairy are issues too. I will look into this more. I love cleaning with bleach. I like not smelling.

So doctor AMP is not a fan of neupogen. I know I belly ache about my shots. Until you have the pain I think is is hard to understand. I do not want to skip a week so I spoke to Angel about it. Our Plan now is to come in Monday morning and have my blood checked. Well thing change here so fast. I am now getting a neupogen tomorrow. I never thought I would be asking for a neupogen shot.

Cha Cha Cha Chia

My hair is really growing back.  I may even have enough by Scott and Lauren's wedding so I do not have to wear a wig.  I dont know if I would wear the wig anyway.  Here is the funny part, it is growing in really really dark.. My eyebrows are coming back too, I have even had to tweeze them.  Now I just need to loose the 18lbs I have gained.  On a nice note, Dan said not to stress about it, it is probably water weight that I would loose right away once my treatment is over.  Since Dan has been right with a few things Im going to go with the water weight theory too. I also thought it was a nice compliment from him...... I will stress about it since I will still be getting chemo for the wedding and I would like to not look like a slob.

Guilt applied thicker than Cream Cheese

I was feeling pretty well on Sunday morning.  So before we actually got out of bed we discussed heading to Queens to see grandpa.  He calls me every Friday to check in with us and is pretty good at telling me how much he misses us especially Maddie and before my diagnosis how we used to make sure to see him at least once a month.  I think it is awesome that Maddie has two great grandparents and we try to see my Gram and Jeff's grandfather often.  My diagnosis has made it harder, I need to be careful of sick people and making sure I do not run myself too low.   Aunt Ann and Uncle Artie met us at Grandpas and we headed out to breakfast.

Saturday

I woke up Saturday and had NO Energy.  I dont know if I was a little down because I was looking forward to seeing everyone at Rosie's party or if I just had no energy.  Jeff was very good about saying just lounge around there is NOTHING we needed to do, so rest.  Well I was so annoyed with my body I decided to push it.  Jeff was in our kitchen getting coffee and looked over to see me cleaning out the family room.  I shampooed the carpet in the family room.  It really needed it.  After I was done we decided to head to a family graduation party. 

This picture is the gate around our fireplace that we moved into dining room while the carpet dried.

Like me, Maddie does not like grass so she sat there until Aunt Carol came to her rescue and picked her up!!

C is for Cookies, Cake and Colleen

There may have been chicken too but I was happier with the bad foods.  Friday morning I was happy to hear from Colleen.  However the happy turned sad when she told me she had the shingles.  Though she was no longer considered contagious I should probably check with my docs to see if we could all still go to Rosie's party on Saturday.

Aunt Carol brought to the Onco office for my shot on Friday.  I asked Angel what she thought about us going to the birthday party the next day and she punted it off to Maria (the PA) to answer.  I had a few other questions for Maria (they will be in another post) so what was one more.  Maria was on the fence, debating it back and forth, I could go if I stayed away, and so did my family.  It all went south when I opened my big yap and said.  "I had the chicken pox vaccine" That prompted Maria to say "you are too old, why did you have the vaccine?"  I know I am not old, so does she.  I said, "When I had Maddie, they must have done titer levels and they seemed to think I needed to be vaccinated".  Well that did it she said I could not go.  Cancer made me flake on something again. 

Comments

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I think I am becoming disgruntled

I dont know if it is the cancer or not.  However I pretty much stay off facebook these days, because I just dont care if you are stuck in traffic, stubbed your toe, or just having a bad day.  I want to reply to these post and say "well at least you do not have cancer.."  Honesty the cancer part of my life isnt even that bad.  The taxol is pretty easy, I am not nauseas, I sadly do not have any food issues (I do crave bad foods, zepollis, chessman cookies and pies, this is why I have gained 18lbs since the beginning of this).  The neupogen is one of the hardest parts and the time commitment.  I do not think people realize how busy cancer makes you.  Last week or example, I was off Monday (however cleaned the house and did laundry).  Tuesday was chemo and we went to Tracy's to swim.  Wednesday was neupogen, an appointment for Jeff and an impromptu trip to Staten Island.  I did have a nice dinner however I do not think the car ride was smart after the injection.  Thursday Neupogen and same on Friday and you all know the rest of story.  This week I only get two injections however have a list of thing to accomplish before the week ends.  Then we start it all over again..

I feel when I talk to people on the phone that unless it is for a purpose it is a useless call.  Hearing people complain about nonsence brings me down.  I need to work on this.

Tuesday in the City..

I had to go into the city for a fill on Tuesday.   I know I say this all the time however I love the look of my new boob.  I am actually back to wearing a normal bra and no prostecic.  I am a little smaller on that side but it isnt too bad, the prosteic made me really hot.  Well right now everything makes me really hot.

After my fill.  We finally made it to the central park zoo.  I know I got Aunt Carol back into the park.  Maddie loved it!!! She especially loved the polar bear, which is my favorite too. 

We also went to Aunt Carols favorite area of the city... Canal Street... It is just too congested there for me. 

MONDAY!!! The 4th of July

We had a very nice non stress day at Tracy and Dave's.  The food was great as well as the company.  Here are some pics of the day.

It took us a while to leave the house that day.  Maddie likes to give Jack his cookies when we leave.  Maddie was insisting that Jack say Please to her to get them.

Hooked up to # 5

It should be 6, but I will soon let that go too. I don't know when. My blood was great today. When I say great I mean average. I never thought I would be so happy to be average. Since today is Wednesday the most neupogen shots I can get this week is 2!! Isn't that great! Jeff pointed out that they could send me home with it for him to do. We did cut dow the amount of steroids I am taking, I was becoming a bit fiesty.

I have more pictures to post from the past two days and I will do that from home.
*before anyone asks the pictures are on my home computer*

Benedryl is kicking in so I'm going to close my eyes. :)

Pictures

I tried to update some of my posts with pictures.  Some of my older posts have pics to go along with it.

How is it Monday already

This weekend has flown by.  Happy Independence day to everyone.  I am thankful to live in a free country that does not have socialized medicine (yet). 

Thursday after I blogged the afternoon got crazier.  Uncle Joel called to talk to Aunt Carol, now that is not the funny part.  This entire story is not funny just very odd and ironic.  I could hear Aunt Carol ask if anyone was hurt or if it was totalled.  Those buzz words meant that there must have been an accident.  OH NO I was thinking.  Then I heard how bad is the damage to the house?  How on earth did their house get hit AGAIN.... Yes, for those of you that do not know, Aunt Carol and Uncle Joels house got hit once before.  I was in junior high and it was a teenager that was speeding, misjudged the curve and hit the garage.  This time a logging truck (not too sure why it was on their road) was not going fast enough to get up the hill and make the turn.  The engine stalled and  it started to roll backwards it hit the camper pushing it off the blocks and into the garage.  The camper is pretty messed up and will probably be totalled.  The garage though damaged isnt too bad.  Here is the bad part they had a trip planned to go camping.  Now they do not have a camper.  I have read a lot about taking care of the cancer patient caregivers.  My Aunt needs this vacation.  She needs to be away from me and dealing with all that comes with me.  I have been looking into bed and breakfasts and hotels on LBI, I will price out flights and maybe we can send her to see Pam and Lou. 


Friday, was much nicer than Thursday.  Jeff decided to take the day off.  After my neupogen shot we came right home.  I was in a lot of pain but it dwindles as the day goes on and I can tolerate it more.  I really wanted to go to the balloon launch.  Jeff suggested that we go to the childrens museum then see how the rest of the evening went. 

After the museum we decided to head to Highland and go to the walk.  There was a balloon setting up right in the park next door.  We decided to park and walk around.  Sadly we did not see the balloon actually launch.  Maddie was getting hungry and we decided to leave when we ran out of Cheerios.

Saturday was Matthew's highschool graduation party.  It was a very nice day.  Maddie did not have a great nap so we had to head home for an afternoon nap which lasted until 7.....



Sunday was a Lazy day here.  I just could not get motivated.