Kimberly Karitis | Press Release: How a stay at home mom became a work at home mom in 2013

Kimberly Karitis | Press Release: How a stay at home mom became a work at home mom in 2013

Reading....

I read an editorial last week and it has stuck with me ever since.  I usually skip over anything written for the Huffington Post.  I tend not to agree with most of their writing, however sometimes they have cancer related articles that I enjoy.  

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erika-lade/cancer-friendship_b_3539970.html

Nobody Shaved Their Head for Me

I battled cancer for a year, did chemo, surgery, radiation, the whole lot -- and nobody shaved their head for me. You know all those stories of people who get diagnosed with cancer and ordered to do chemo and their best friend jumps in and immediately says they'll shave their head with you? Stuff like that?

Well, that doesn't happen as often as you think. The one thing that has held true about cancer, during and after, is that it will leave you disappointed at some point by every single person you know. And I had no idea that it would change every relationship in my life the way that it did.

At first, there is the rally. Everyone comes to your aid, everyone cares. Everyone is sending stuff. Loads of packages arrive to your house and flowers cover your living room. Then you start treatment and things slowly wane. The texts and presents become less consistent, people go back to their normal lives and you trudge, seemingly unendingly through treatment.

An inverted figurative graph is formed: While the shock and awe of your diagnosis has worn off to those around you and they slowly return to normalcy thinking that you are ok, things for you as cancer patient have only gotten more difficult. And for you they crescendo and build up. Yes, treatment might be working, but you feel more and more miserable while everyone else gets comfortable with your status as cancer patient.

Reflecting back, I think I subconsciously started staging my friends in the same way cancer is staged. A Stage I friend is the best you can get, checking in with you a lot, offering support, honest support and just bringing you things even when you say you are fine. A Stage II friend checks in periodically and is that one that you can go to when you're feeling rotten and truly be honest with. A Stage III friend is on the periphery -- they know what you're dealing with, but they can't handle it themselves, so they treat you uber-normally. They're the friends you can go to when you want to feel normal, but you know they have no idea what you're dealing with. A Stage IV friend is the worst, as they have basically just checked out since you told them you were sick.

There are lots of variations here, of course, and Stage IIAs and IIIBs, etc. Some people are Stage I friends for a bit then fall to Stage IIIB pretty quickly.

If you are positive and put on a front to your friends, if you wear a wig and look 'normal' then often the perception of you is that you are fine and "a trooper" or some other form of a Cathy cartoon that is "hanging in there." In reality, continuing through cancer treatment just gets harder.

Then, it seems, everyone shifts their focus to start asking you when "you're done" or when you'll "be done" with this cancer stuff. But the truth is that you are never done. When you finish treatment, that is when things get even more difficult, in some ways, because you begin to try to figure out a few things, namely a) what the hell just fucking happened b) how do I continue a normal life now and c) how do I grapple with the notion of recurrence and every ache and pain sending one into an obliteration of anxiety.

And when you are done with treatment, that is when cancer becomes intensely isolating, because a notion of post-treatment care in our current healthcare paradigm is non-existent and everyone in your support circle is just glad you are done and wants to move on from the nightmare that just happened to you. And you want this so badly too, but unfortunately the cancer cloud looms heavy over you and you cannot simply forget and move on. It is part of you.

As my friend and young adult cancer advocate Kaylin Andres recently noted, we need to reframe our notion of cancer as part of life and not simply part of death. As cancer becomes more and more common in young people, we must begin to shift the dialogue to focus not on how to accept cancer as part of our lives, but how to stop denying its presence.

Whether you see it in my body or not, cancer will always be a part of my life. As patients and thrivers, we would love to be able to speak to those around us about our cancer without them looking at us with sad eyes and a sense of morbidity. We are afraid, but cancer is truly a part of who we are, physically and mentally, and we need to be open about that in our relationships and our lives.

Maybe whether people shaved their head for me is the wrong thing to focus on. Cancer can go into remission but it never goes away. Fortunately, the best friendships stay around too.

No one shaved their head for me. But lot of people did a helluva lot more than that.

By Erika Lade

I would not have written this any better.  It is so true.  Sometimes I look at it as a gift, Cancer has given me the ability to realize who I can and can not count on.  On the other had this makes me sad.  Before my cancer I did not see this as clearly and maybe worked harder at a non existing relationship.  I try never to focus on the negative, nothing good comes out of that.  I always think of what Monty Python  said "Always look on the Bright side of life".  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ie0MbaiDbM4

I know odd to think of Monty Python but this song as well as Im not dead yet always pop into my head.  

The Buddy System

Maddie has a cd with some pretty odd songs on it, one is the Buddy System.  It talks about how two is better than one.  And what to do when you get separated from your parents in a store and so on.  Well on 5/5 of this year we adopted a landshark.  For my non-greyhound readers that is a greyhound puppy. They are called landsharks because they are absolutely crazy.  Maddie kept telling us her new dogs name would be Ginger.  So when we started our search for dogs we concentrated on red, hypoallergenic dogs.  We even filled out and application and wrote a check for a labradoodle (I never mailed it in)...  I caught wind that our greyhound group had a couple puppies.  I was emailed pictures and I showed them to Maddie and there you have it the little black pup was Ginger.  I am so glad she got to see this process and we spoke about adopting over buying.  She understood that these dogs do not have homes, Mommys or Daddys or even beds...We probably should have toned their needs down a bit since how she wants them all.

Here is a picture of Ginger about a week after we got her.  She is super sweet and a true landshark.  She will chew anything, chairs, walls, labels you name it she will chew it.

Shortly after getting Ginger well actually before I signed the paperwork for her Maddie wanted a second, why not TWO ARE BETTER THAN ONE.. we knew we would add a second we just wanted to get Ginger acclimated to our home a bit more.  Well that did last long because Ginger was having some major anxiety issues.  So we borrowed a friends foster.  "Zales" Now Zoie, is a great addition to our family.  Maddie is already talking about her third however Two is good for us.  On stormy nights there isnt much room in our bed once all our "girls" are in......

Here is Zoie on her favorite spot Our Bed!!!

Life after Cancer

It has been a real long time since I have sat down to write.  Im not too sure why not but Oh well here it goes.

I dont know how to answer people when they ask if we plan to have more kids.  Honestly most of the people asking have no clue what 2011 was like for me. We went to a furniture store and the sales person kept insisting on knowing of we planned to have more children... He was an only child and found it very hard as he is getting older to care for them and the assistance of a sibling would be great.  While our plan was to have more, it just hasnt happened that way.  So that has been my stock answer to most if they keep on top of it I then say I was sick and we do not know what the treatments have done to me.  I do not like to play the cancer card at all.  It isnt me.  I hate the look of shock and sadness when you tell someone or the million questions that come after it.  Oh well Im just not sure how to answer people.  Just to let you know we did not buy furniture from the pushy sales guy...

I know you are reading..

I posted the link to here on Facebook the other day. I was hoping that by posting it people would read it, not feel sorry, however feel compelled to help me raise fund and awareness for this shitty disease. I know I used a bad word, I did it on purpose. I don't think people realize what this disease does to someone, their family and their body. I have heard from more than one person, "did you get the good one"?,it's not a sweater. "was it the real kind"?, yes lost hair, and body parts and had more surgeries last year than I had the prior 35.

I am walking in this years make strides against breast cancer for the Hudson Valley. Here is the link to my donation page, feel free to push me to this finish line...
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=47325&pg=personal&px=30059335&__utma=1.1324590085.1334841252.1346375242.1346379729.10&__utmb=1.6.10.1346379729&__utmc=1&__utmx=-&__utmz=1.1346379729.10.5.utmcsr=makingstrides.acsevents.org%7Cutmccn=(referral)%7Cutmcmd=referral%7Cutmcct=/site/PageServer&__utmv=-&__utmk=54760491

So much...

I really have no excuse for not writing. Except that there has been so much going on that if I say down and wrote everything I may just explode. We have so much to celebrate however really do not feel like it.

This past Wednesday I saw Dr M. And everything looked great. I do not have to see him for another three months. He actually said "you are the picture of health." "if I did not know you I would never know.". Of course he does know me and has seen me topless so he is aware of last year. Last Wednesday came and went. I am pretty sure I can only blame myself however a little celebration should have happened, going out to dinner during the week is hard because of Jeff's schedule, however, nothing. Aunt Carol even forgot to ask how it was and she watched Maddie for me. Maybe it is just old news...

Need to get back on that horse...

Two Thursdays ago was pretty normal. We went to the gym and price chopper etc. all in all it was a good day. Maddie did not nap and feel asleep just before I was ready to cook. I figured I would give her a little bit of time.

I had some veggies i put in the over I roast and the rest of dinner was going on the the grill. I went out and lit it. Came back in house and gathered my food while I let it warm up. I put the chicken, peppers and mushrooms down and opened the lid. This is where my normal Thursday got a bit exciting.. My grill flashed in my face. I moved quickly back. I had my witts about me and before I ran in the house I made sure my hair wasn't in fire. I ran to the bathroom and saw my face very pink and my hair singed. I texted Dan and called Aunt Carol. I calmy said to her, I am going to need you to come down now. She said now, I just made a steak. I said yes now, I am sorry and told her what had happened. Dan said to get check by the ER. I was shaking and knew I could not really drive myself. So uncle Joel came to the rescue. For those of you that know my uncle know that he is not good with things like this. I am shocked he actually came into the er with me. I did send Jeff a text. I started it with Don't panic. I had not heard from him do I had no clue he was actually on the train on his way home. It's hard for most to understand. His day does not end at 5 or 5:30. His time to come home Changes with the day and it is never the same. So Maddie and I have a set dinner time and if he is home great if not we do a second seating when he is. Since I had not heard from him I didn't want to call and disturb him. I did call once I was in the car with uncle Joel. My nose and hair got the worse of the burns. My hair looks like I let Maddie cut bangs for me. And my nose is looking 100% better now. I do have pics but they are not on my iPad yet. I will update once I up load. Needless to say we did not have chicken for dinner we all ended up at Mary Janes for ice cream. Along the way aunt Carol picked up Emma and Timmy and Tracy met us at MJs. In the end it was a nice evening.

I did call weber, the service person came out yesterday and changed the manifold. The insides of my grill. One of my knobs was sticking and I did turn it on that day. I usually do not turn that burner on. The guy explained to me that to it was probably stuck in the ignite setting allowing a lot of gas to build up in the lid and when I opened it it flashed. I will be fine. I have more hair than I did this time last year and the burn was nothing like radiation. I took out chicken for dinner, unjust have no clue how I am going to cook it yet.

"In my country"......

My fellow recruiter friends will understand this title.

We have been back from our trip to Curaçao for a couple of weeks now. I will pay my self on the back here, ok I scratched it.. I have a great sense of direction. Especially when I am hungry or there is the promise of food at the end. This has been a quality I have possessed since I was little.

We went on our trip with Aunt Eva, Mary-Lu and Mike, and Petrina and Chicky. Both couples are great friends of Aunt Eva's. They where in the villa above us.

The country of curaçao is pretty, the scenery at the beaches where breathtaking. However you quickly caught it again once you stubbed a toe on the massive amount of rocks on the ocean floor. The people are not friendly. They are not rude but no one really went out of their way to make us say, "same time, same place next year".

We arrived on a Saturday. Our flights where great and Maddie was a champ, considering we had to wake her up to be at the airport for a 6 am flight. I know.... When we got to curacao the heat and humidity hit us like a ton of bricks. Maddie of course took a nap. We found the car rental area and got in line. It was he longest line there and it seemed very slow. When they got to us it seemed to take longer once they checked us in and took the rest of our payment they directed us to walk around the building and they would assist us. They had our car but not a car seat. The one they had was broken. So we had to wait. Aunt Eva had ordered a van and called ahead to make sure it was automatic. When it was here turn, they took them to a brand new van that looked like a tour bus, and of course it was standard. So that was a no go. After what felt like hours and it probably was, we got our car and an acceptable car seat and broke away from our pack to find it in our own. Everyone said how easy it was to get there. So off we went. After driving around for a good hour and asking for directions from anyone I could we by accident found the place. Funny we got there the same time the rest of our group did. Don't worry they got lost too. English is not a primary language there, nor is Spanish, they speak popeamento or Dutch. Great...
This made asking for directions very hard. We settled in our rooms and headed back out the the grocery store which I knew where it was since we passed it on one of our many tried to find the resort. I am also using the word resort loosely here. That first night we decided to stay at the Blue Bay and eat there. The food was good but the service was long.

Sunday we went up stairs and all had breakfast together. And we headed to the beach. Aunt Eva had promised Maddie that they would play in the sand together and they did. it was great Maddie had 10 other eyes on her besides the usually four. Jeff and I actually went for a walk, it was odd. We usually do not have people say go, get a drink we have her, and they meant it. Maddie had a blast with her new "friends". Which is what she called them all as a group. Jeff and I took Aunt Eva and "friends" up in the offer and we went to get a drink. I ordered a strawberry margarita, Jeff a kalula colata. The bar tender said he could not make either. I ordered something else and he could not make that either. I said what can you make, his retort was "anything you want" I ini in my nicest "please don't spit in my drink", said, "obviously not because we have asked for three things and you can not make them". He offered to "freestyle" it was pretty good. We later found out he was the towel boy. Sunday evening was our first venture to leave the resort for food. We went to the front desk and hit directions. We took the lead. We found the restaurant with ease. It was about 15 minutes. The signs in this country are terrible. I mean really bad, there are none. This prompted Petrina to ask if I have been to this country before. I said no, never. And Jeff went in to explain how I am pretty good with a map and if there is food at the end I can get anywhere, he did say that once I am full I am useless. Which is true. I have no clue why my sense of direction is tied to my belly. Dinner was great and so was the service. So attentive. We actually went to this restaurant twice. Monday we went to the market area for water shoes. Jeff cut his foot Sunday when he stumbled on a rock. The market was an experience. They sold fresh fish, not on ice and used a news paper to shu away flies. Sorry no picture.. We got our shoes some kick ass bread pudding and headed To find the distillery. We all read about the awesome tours at the distillery. Curacao makes/ has its own liquor. By the time we got there they were closed for lunch. We walked across the street and ate lunch in a local restaurant. It was great. The distillery on the other had a lot to be desired.

Tuesday we decided to try another beach that they said was not as rocky. The rocks where as plentiful at Casa Abu, they where just smaller. I again with directions and a map found it. We had to go down a dirt road and when you got to the bottom we could peak around some trees and see the amazing view. It was amazing. The water was clearer than bath water. We only had to go in knee deep to see fish. Maddie could even see them it was great. We stayed there for most of the day. We decided to leave so Maddie could nap. The second car decided to leave as well since they might still be there if they didn't.

The rest of the week went on. We would get terrible directions from the hotel, drive around and ask for direction issuing charades. All in all we had a blast. It was a great week, however we have no plans to go back to this country. We will however piggy back on another vacation with any of Maddies "friends"

Endorsements

I know what your thinking, who am I.. Don't worry I agree. I have a few things we have purchased lately that are awesome, and worth spreading the word about.

As I mentioned my washing machine bit the dust. As much as I hated to spend the money on a new one, Honestly why couldn't Aunt Carol continue to do our laundry... Except when she does Maddie's towels they are not soft enough for our princess. Anyway my new top loading whirlpool is awesome!!!! My clothes are clean. My whites are white again. They have even gotten the Caca seal of approval. Just a little background on that. Aunt Carol hated that my whites always looked dingy. I couldn't help it she insisted that it was my electric dryer and that I do not hang my clothes outside. I will never hang my clothes outside, we are all too allergic to the outside and I just hate the way that looks. So when AC did our laundry she would always pick on my whites. She was highly annoyed that Jeff's undershirts where not as sparkling and starched as his dress shirts. She actually said I should get a second hamper and more shirts and she would do them weekly for Jeff. I am super anal about things. More so than people may know. I can spot a cheap suit or bad shoes (men's) a mile away. This was a quality I had even before Jeff. I also hate when a man has a dress shirt on an no undershirt under it. See told you I was a bit crazy. A button down collar with a tie also drives me nuts. The list can go on and on.... Sorry for getting off track. Now my whites bothered me but honestly who sees Jeff's undershirts. No one.. So I was not loosing sleep over it. I had a black shirt that was stained white from deodorant and now it is all black again. Amazing. It is also quiet. I mean my house no longer sounds like a landing pad. My house no longer shakes. I actually leave the laundry room door open so I can hear when it is done. My new washing machine is awesome!!

I got a Mani and pedi a couple weeks ago. The guy doing my nails pushed this gel manicure. He said it would last two weeks. I though yea right. Unusually can not leave the nail place with out a smudge or chip. I am almost at the two week mark and it is still going. I am pretty impressed.

My pillow. Both Jeff and I had heard the infomercials. Since there was a money back guarantee we figured what the heck and ordered them. They are great. Maddie loves hers. I usually slept with my head built up high and I don't with this pillow and Jeff is even sleeping on his back. I feel like I fall asleep faster and I feel refreshed in the morning. AC and UJ ordered them too and seem happy. Check out retailmenot if you plan to order for coupons.

Lastly Jeff has us all hooked on kind bars. They are fruit, nut granola bars. They are all natural with ingredients you can pronounce. While shopping this week I saw they had a bag of cereal. Both Maddie and I had some sprinkled over Greek yogurt for breakfast. This stuff is great and good for you. It is even cancer approved!! I get a lot of articles about Heath and nutrition. One very alarming one last week on nitrates, one hotdog a week can increase your chances of colon or rectal cancer by 40%. That is just crazy. Good thing we never eat them but we do love bacon. Oh well guess we will be giving that up too, unless I can find some natural nitrate free bacon. There must be a farm around here somewhere.

Making every birthday count

On Friday night Jeff and I went to an event for our local chapter of the American cancer society. It was lovely. The theme of the event was making every birthday count.
I also ordered shirts for us from stupid cancer. They say "get busy living".
I think both these themes sum up how I feel. Make every day count. And get busy living it is never too late.

We did not decide until last minute to go to the event. We (I) had a little problem securing babysitting. However in the end Caca came to our rescue. Sadly I do not have any pictures of Jeff and I. We both looked very nice. We ran into Dr Z there yes there is a flash from my past. He was glad to see I was doing so well. And I wanted to make sure he got my note on why I left his practice. It had nothing to do with him. However in the end the practice I chose was a much better fit for me. There was a silent auction during the cocktail hour which had pretty tasty food. At the dinner portion we where seated right near my oncology offices table. We actually spent most of the evening chatting with them. We got home fairly early. It was a very very nice night. Next year I expect to see more people support the event. :)

My head

I have given this post a couple days of thinking before I wrote it.

I was upset the other day when I heard about MCA from the beastie boys passing. Jeff knowing how much I love them wanted to make sure I was ok. Now I did not cry or anything but it is just an odd feeling I get when I hear of someone passing from cancer. I think it just shines a light that at any moment we cold be gone. I completely understand that in the end I may not even die from my cancer, but it is a factor.

I had to meet with a fitness coach for an assesment when I re-joined the gym. I will be 37 this month. When they did "actuall age" entering my weight and health they said my body feels like it is 42 however if I loose the 10lbs I want it would drop to 33. That whole cancer thing just spiked it way up. It's annoying.

I have done a lot of reading on cancer and how you feel after etc. I don't sit here and ponder every Ache and pain and wonder. But if I have trouble sleeping that is where my mind wonders. I think or wonder if I am doing everything to prevent a "relapse" (what a crappy word). It's crazy how your mind can wonder. I don't remember being like this before my diagnoisis. This whole cancer thing completely changes you.

I try to get up with a positive attitude each day, I try not to get bogged down with useless nonsense or caught up in other peoples drama. Life is to short to be miserable. Try to enjoy each day because you never know when it can be your last.

Another one bites the dust....

Appliance that is.. Mothers day came early this year, only because We do not have enough clean underwear to hold us over. Monday I put a load of laundry in set everything up and hit start. Only to hear a god awful noise. After speaking to a repair guy, Jeff, uncle Joel I ended up at Sohns. Aunt Carol came to the rescue and picked up our dirty laundry and washed, dried and folded all of our clothes. She did not iron (which I find funny since she says it is her talent) and delivered then back to us. I almost for a brief moment thought this system could work. But my new washer arrived today. I have not used it yet since we need new hoses. But I am excited. I never felt my old machine cleaned the clothes well and it shook the whole house when on spin.

To nipple or not to nipple....

I am healing very nicely. My reduction side is no longer bleeding and looks good. My cancer side, fake side what ever we call it looks good too.
Yesterday I went into the city for my check up with David and he said it is up to me but I could get a nipple as soon as the 14th. I spoke to Jeff and aunt Carol about it and they both think I should wait until after our trip. Jeff stressed to me that this is entirely up to me, that I do not need to donut if I do not want to. I think I will do it. I just don't know when.
I have also been ok'd to wear a bra with underwire. I know most people shutter at the thought but I am so excited. I have not had matching underwear in years.

Complete

We are whole again at our house. I finally went to pick up Jack. For those of you don't know or are not familiar with it, we had Jack privately cremated and his ashes returned to us. I have known for a couple of weeks that I could go get him. It was something I didn't want to do with Maddie, since we are usually together I figured I better get my boy and bring him home. We stopped yesterday on our way to hop n healthy. I explained that we needed to pick up something of Jacks from the vet. When I went in the normal receptionist who knows us was on the phone. A new girl asked if she could help me, I tried my best to skirt the issue and say why I was there. Finally Meredith got off the phone and got the bag for me. All Maddie said when she handed it to us was, "I really miss my buddy". Heart breaking....
So we are complete again.. Jack is home and his ashes are right next to Jessie's, I thought last night that I should not have them right next to each other since Jess always got huffy if Jack was too close they always needed a buffer of a pillow or something. Silly I know.

Long time...

I feel I start ll of these with an apology anymore. Things are going well.

I had my three month follow up with Dr M today. I guess when they are so used to seeing me at my worse that it is shocking for them to see me. They all made a big deal about how well I looked. I have a little make up on today and I have hair!! Something that was falling out in clumps this time lasts year. I am not being pumped with drugs that work against me. Of course I look better that I did. I also have lost some weight. I need to loose more. I was doing better until I found a sale on peanut butter eggs at target. 75% off how could I pass then up. So needless to say I have bee doing more kettlebell exercises. No petscan this time. And I do not need to see them again until July.

My reduction side is finally starting to heal. I am still covering it furring the day but I think I can stop that soon. I did buy an off the rack bathing suit at target for $34 I was very excited. I have not tried on a blouse however I did buy some more flowy shirts, something I would have never worn before.

Maddie is doing great. She is really busy and talking and singing up a storm. She loves to sing tomorrow from Annie, the normal kiddy songs and his week she even started signing crazy train by Ozzy Osbourne. It's a funny performance.

We booked a trip!! If you do not want us to tag along you should probably not tell us about your trip. Aunt Eva told us that she was going to curacao we read about it and booked it. See don't tell us we might just tag along. :). Anyone planning a disney trip?

Hair cut, highlights and plastic surgery

I got a hair cut and a few highlights last week. I no longer feel or look like a cancer patient. I look like a normal person who has a short hair cut. I am getting used to my new curls and they are not as bad as I anticipated. I do miss pony tails however this hair cut is pretty easy to maintain.
Yesterday I had to go to the city for my appointment with David and we had a town meeting last night. I knew I would be speaking so I put some make up on. Everyone at David's office and our neighbors commented on how well I looked yesterday. I usually do not put make up on during the week. Maybe it is that or that I am shedding my zepoli weight from last year. It's funny because one of our neighbors kept saying how young I looked and wanted to know if I lost weight. YES I have I been very careful about what I eat. I have been passing on dessert and not visiting Mary Jane's. For my non-local or family member readers, Mary Jane's is an ice cream stand near our house. I have 10 more lbs I would like to loose and a lot of Toning to do, however I think it is a great start. We have planned and booked a trip and I want to look good in my bathing suit that I plan to buy off the rack at a department store. Not from a specialty catalog for top heavy women!!!!

Hello April

I want to start by saying this year is flying by. I am sorry for not blogging for a bit. It isn't that I do not want to or that life has been so boring that I can not find topics. I just feel like time is flying by. I will try to be better.
On the cancer front. I a doing pretty well. Actually the cancer side is looking great. The side I had the reduction on has been giving me issue. Radiation is not as targeted as they say. There is scatter so my good side did get some scatter radiation. It has not been healing as quickly as I usually do. A few weeks ago they actually cut the scab off to allow for better healing. The scab was thick and hindering the sides to come together. It also bleed a lot. It had been looking better though I had been keeping it covered. Yesterday I went for a check up and as I got undressed I somehow re-opened it. I was bleeding like crazy. I grabbed gauze and held it to me to try and stop the bleeding, I also started to clean up myself and the floor. I realized I better put the gown On so when Barbara or David came in I was not topless cleaning the floor. Good thing they run late because I had enough time to clean everything and take a seat before they came in. Barbara came in first and said she could fix it. She pulled out a stick with something on it. I knew what she wanted to do and I was not going to let that happen. I was not prepared for that or the pain. I have had my nose cautherized and to be honest I never want it again. So my negotiating begins. What do we do if we don't do that?? Nothing was the response we continue to allow it to heal on its own. We all know now that I need a little help. I began to question the pain, just then David walks in. I am still Ina defensive position, arms crossed an left hand cupping my right boob one to keep the gauze on to stop the bleeding and two to hide it.... We decided that they would just touch it to my skin and if it hurt they would stop. Just then Jeff walks in. I knew I needed to allow this to happen, because if I kept up my protest and acting like a two year old I would be restrained an forced to do it anyway. I was out numbered and weighed so.... I did it!! It barely hurt it was a sting and it stung on and off all day. Nothing crazy. Now it just itches.. I hate that I get myself so worked up over silly things. It is so stupid.

Morning to myself..

Well not an entire morning, I would say probably 45 minutes. Maddie went to church with Caca, aunt Patty, Emma and Timmy. They left a little after 8 and I expect them back with in the half hour and Jeff is finally using his fathers day gift. As he left this morning he asked what I was going to do with myself. I said shower an shave my legs. He looked at me funny. Since Maddie escaped her crib I have no longer had a shower with out an audience. I try to put the tv on in my room and hope she stays there but she usually makes her way into the bathroom to critique me. "Are you scrubbing" "are you using soap" "how are your boo boos".
It was nice to know that today when I got out if the shower all my clothes where still on the ledge of the tub and not in the tub with the water running or moved to another location. My shoes are not all over. I did not have to get out of the shower until I was ready to!!!

One year ago

I didn't even realize it. Jeff kept saying it was the anniversary of my surgery. I was not understanding what he meant, I thought he was talking about my last surgery. He was talking about my first one.. A year ago today it all started. I was well into my mastectomy surgery at this time.
Gosh that seems like so long ago. I am glad that is behind me!! That time was so crazy. I needed to push through the surgery, heal, and start the treatment. The whole year, when I look back seems like a crazy roller coaster ride.
I have no real plans for today. I have a yucky cough and not a lot of energy. I also have three huge baskets of laundry to iron and fold and put away. I am hoping Maddie naps today. I would also love to wash my kitchen floor.

Ugh

Well it happened.. We had a very nice day here. Figaro showed up and ate. He/she quickly ran off when Maddie banged on the window. We danced around to Disney tunes on Pandora and we even did some yoga today. All in all a good day until about 20 mins ago. After hearing a song Maddie wanted to watch the princess and the frog. As we came downstairs from her bath she yelled for Jack. "a-mon, we watch the frogs". I said to her remember Jacks in heaven with Jessie, oh was her response. She thought we should pick him up, I said we can't. She then thought for a moment and asked he was all better. I quickly replied that he feels better than ever!! Maddie said good. I am sure we will have this conversation a few more times..