Hair

My hair is starting to grow back.  Jeff and Aunt Carol can not see it, however I can feel it.  Emma agreed with me and said she could see it. 

Today is the last day of June....

I can not believe it is already the end of June.  I would love to say time is flying by, but honestly I feel like it is crawling.  I am so ready to be done with all of this.  I know we will never go back to the life we had before my diagnosis, we will never not worry about cancer.  I have a lifetime of testing and waiting for answers ahead of me.  I would just like a little break from this. 

This week has not really gone as planned.  I rebounded ok from my shot yesterday.  I was still in a lot of pain, but I could talk.  When we got home last night we realized Jack had not been good so I had several messes to clean up.  This morning my plan was to drop Jack off at the vet to get a much needed bath, nail trim and even do his yearly check up a little early.  When we got there this morning they said he would need a bordetella, which is for kennel cough.  It is a live virus that they spray up the dogs nose.  It is very controversial for a dog of Jacks age.  He has had a bath there before and they have not done it.  So we got back in the car and headed home.  I have been pricing other places to do his nails and I will try to do a bath this weekend.  As for his check up we will do that closer to his actual due date. 

My next stop today was of course the Onco office.  I had to get my second of three neupogen injection for the week.  While at the building complex I tried to set up an appointment for Jeff and that didnt go well either.  Aunt Carol had an errand to do as did I, so we headed back to our side of the river to do that.  We accomplished all that we could for today.  Which is a good thing because todays shot HURTS.  I have my normal jaw pain, I have some pain in the base of my skull today and my hips hurt.  I would really like to go to the hot air balloon launch tomorrow night at the walkway however I am pretty sure I will not be able to do that walk after a third shot this week.  We will see.  My black finger is back to normal, they think I must have jammed it while cleaning the windows on Monday.

Im sad to say I did not get my period this month.  At least we know the origin of my hot flashes.  I know my body took a break while I nursed.  Maybe that is all this is another little break, however the doctors did say I would probably go threw menopause. 

Shout out...

A big THANK YOU to Christina V for jumping in and doing my editing for me!!

Typos

I am aware of misspellings in my last post, I'm having issues editing in my iPhone. I will address this later today when I am home and can use my laptop.

Hooked up to #4

Well, at least the pre-meds.

I could not wait to see my CBC today. I have been bursting with energy. Yesterday, I did so much. Jack got me up at 6:46, so we had breakfast and watched Boomer and Carton. Maddie got up at 8am. Shortly after 11, I realized a morning nap was not in our game plan for the day so we headed out to work on my list.

First stop: town hall. I am pretty sure you must be over the age of 60 to work for the town of Newburgh. I needed to renew Jack's dog license and turn in papers in for Jessie.

The lady helping me was so sad to hear of her passing and knew how hard it was. I did not know this woman, maybe she is an animal lover. She did ask how we lost her and I said to bone cancer. We had done all we could for her but it came back and we had no choice. She then noticed I didn't have hair, so she asked what was going on with me, I said I, too, had cancer, but it was breast cancer and that I am doing really well.

I didn't know how to answer her either so I really need to work on that. We have been dealing with this since January so it is not odd for us and I need to realize this could be a shock to people that do not know what is going on. I don't know how to answer someone who emails me and asks how I am.
My stock answer is,

"Good, however, I was diagnosed with breast cancer in January, had full mastectomy in March, started chemo in April, I am on the second half of my treatment and once that is done at the end of August I will start radiation that should be over in October then I get new boob."

See why I need to work on this? That is a mouthful for a simple "How are you?"

After the town hall, we hit Home Depot for a new water filter. They did not have any so we got Jack's food at Petsmart, then hit Lowes for a filter. While there, I looked at the new Electrolux vacuum.  It was nice looking and the price wasn't bad. I do not need a new one, but the commercial fascinated me.

Our final stop was Price Chopper. We headed home after that had lunch and it was nap time. Again, I was bursting with energy, so I cleaned the outside of some of the windows, steamed the kitchen and powder room floors. I polished the hardwoods, I washed and dried all laundry in my house. I washed the kitchen cabinets (I do not believe I have done that since moving in). I cooked dinner and gave Maddie a bath. So as you can see, I thought I was over the moon with white blood cells.

My count was 3.9.  That is not terrible and I am still getting chemo, however, I was hoping for less neupogen this week. Nope, I am getting three. We did ask if it is something Jeff can give me and we are waiting to see if they can do that for us. We also found out the maker of neupogen is a publicly traded company, so we will be investing in it, since it seems like I will keep getting this crap.

My pointer finger on my right hand looks black and blue. I showed all involved and Jeff thinks I must have hit it. It doesn't hurt me at all, however, I have a pretty good pain tolerance unless it is my Port or neupogen.

Updating our bird issue..

On Saturday when Lauren and Scott came up, they sadly wanted to see the bird fiasco in our back yard.  We let Jack out and all of us went out with him.  The birds did not attack.  After dinner we had ice cream from Mary Jane's and ate that on the patio, the birds left Jack alone again. 
Yesterday (Sunday) there was no bird issue either.  I sure hope the killdeers had realized that this is Jack's backyard.

On another note.  I was talking to Aunt Carol the other day and I always question myself that I am not doing enough to teach and mold Maddie.  If something does happen to me I want to make sure she has had a good base from me.  I want her to be kind, and thankful, I want her to know that you should rescue animals not buy them etc.  Aunt Carol pointed out that I was probably not setting a good example of being kind to animals as I had her on my left hip while chasing and throwing rocks at birds in my back yard.  I was feeling very guilty about this major fail, when Jeff pointed out to me that some animals just need to die and I was protecting my boy Jack.      

Energy...

Everyone seems to ask about my energy level.  After the neupogen shots I am usually bursting with energy.  Today is no different.  I have already dealt with some fios things.  I of course had two separate things I called about and it only took an hour and a half and 5 phone calls.  I wish they could get their act together. Last night I noticed some hand prints on a window (okay I didnt really notice it, but....)  So I washed the inside of all our windows downstairs today.  I would have done the outside too however Maddie woke up, maybe I will get to them later.  My windows never bothered me before because I never opened the blinds, shades or curtains before.  Aunt Carol loves to let the light in and has now turned Maddie onto it so I guess I will be doing the windows more.  I can not get mad at my Aunt or ask her to do the windows, she had been too good to us plus she is doing our laundry and ironing. 

Weekend...

Friday night we ordered in and watched tv. I was still in a lot of pain from that darn neupogen shot. I actually took a whole pain pill. I hate the way they make me feel so I usually cut them in half. I think the pain pills make me realize how much I do not like to sit still.

Saturday, Lauren and Scott came up. It was very nice to see them. Lauren made some chili for our freezer too :). Maddie had a good time entertaining them. We decided to eat at he river since it was nice out. We ate at the new fish place.  The girl who sat us at our table asked me how I lost my hair.  I just had a baseball hat on.  I wasnt sure how to answer that so I just said I have cancer.  She was also wearing a wig, she had alopeacia.  She was young maybe early 20's.  I felt bad for her, at least my hair will go back.  Back to the food now, since we all know that is so much more important to me.  The food was amazing!! The children's menu was not so great, everything on it was fried or pasta, so they could improve on that. The could also improve their service.  That was really bad.....

Sunday, I shaved my legs and wore hair for Lauren.  We all headed down to NJ for Laurens shower.  It was a very nice day.

Stuff..

Yesterday Jeff and I went into the city for another fill.  It looks more and more like a real boob each time.  We walked around the city a little and wondered into a shoe store.  I hate shoe shopping, before everyone gasps with disbelief.  I have tiny feet 5.5.. It is rare to find shoes in stores to fit me.  I usually order them online.  Zappos has been a great find for me.  I need new sneakers, so we went into this store they told me the carried as small as a 5, whoo hoo I am thinking.  We head back to the sneaker section, someone comes over and I said that I was looking for a running/walking shoe.  The guy brought out four pairs three size 6 and one ugly 5.5.  Needless to say I will be looking at zappos later.  The drive home was crazy with the weather, I am so thankful that we did not have Maddie with us.  After we got home and had lunch we headed to the Onco office for my nuepogen injection.  FUN..

I would really like a pedicure.  I hate painting my own toes, I actually hate touching feet. 

Today, I was really hoping to have a CBC and discuss getting a neupogen shot.  There was no discussion I just got the injection.  I told Maggie the nurse that I would prefer to be hit with a baseball bat than getting it.  She laughed then accidentally hit me in the head with her elbow.  I guess she was making my wish come true.  I am feeling pretty well.  My jaw hurts and I am trying not to talk, that isnt going so well.  I have cleaned off our dining room table, except for three books that need to go in Maddie's room it is clear!! I have packed away all banned toys and a few others that annoy me.  We are going to eat lunch then I plan to hit kohls with Aunt Carol, she has a 30% off, my plan is to look for 5.5 sneakers there and really depress myself.

Hooked up for number 3

Well I'm getting the premeds now but Taxol is next. I'm a little sleepy from the benedryl. On a not so fun note Dr M sees two neupogen shots in my future. I was hoping for only one.

The case of the missing eyebrow

It was there this morning. Tonight I noticed my left, yes only left eyebrow is missing. There are a few straggly hairs there but not many. The right one is looking good.
I have to say I would deal with all the bone pain in the world if I did not have to loose my hair. The whole loss of hair thing feels like I have to admit I am sick. I have to tell people what is going on if they ask, because it is obvious there is something going on, I don't have hair. I still have to shave my legs though. I am very comfortable in my baseball hats but they where standard wardrobe before this cancer. However there are occasions that call for something dressier than a hat. Oh well there is Nothing I can do so I should stop my whining, right?

How to Kill a Killdeer

This precocious bird is evil.  At least the one that claimed my back yard for its own.  Yesterday morning as I was cleaning up from breakfast I notice a small fawn in my neighbors yard.  Jeff quickly grabbed Maddie so she could see too.  We decided to go outside to watch the deer.  As it ran off, I let Jack out so Maddie and I sat at the patio table.  Jack was no further than five feet from Maddie and I when the bird came swooping in.  Now the killdeer does not make contact with Jack but the bird is getting very close!  Jeff came running when I yelled.  I got Jack and Maddie back in the house by that time the bird was gone.  Jack decided to stay inside the rest of the day.  When Maddie went down for her nap Jeff and I both went out to do yard work, I was in the front and he was in the back.  Jeff did look more closely for a nest to see if maybe it had been disrupted, he did not find anything.  After Maddie woke up and we ate lunch we decided to go swimming.  When we got home from swimming and eating we gave Maddie a bath and right to bed.  It was still light out so I went out back to look at all of Jeff's hard work.  Jeff and Jack came out too.  Again I was no further than five feet away from the dive bombing attack.  Jeff and I both picked up stone from our landscaping and chasing the bird while throwing rocks at it.  Neither of us made contact but Jeff did hit the fence and it did make a very LOUD noise.  I thought that would be enough to rid the bird from our yard.  I WAS wrong.  I let Jack out this morning and it happened again, however there was a Raven intervention.  One of the very large raven's that like our yard, came swooping in to Jack's rescue by pecking at the Killdeer.  I plan to google to see what Raven's like to eat so I can thank them and maybe bribe them into helping with our killdeer problem, at least until santa comes with a red rider bb gun.

Price chopper and Sams here I come

My blood was very average today. I did not need a shot which is wonderful. My family can eat this week!!! Dr R said to keep with the precautions Aunt Carol will touch all doors and push the cart. I will just point and pay. I am all good to get my third taxol treatment on Wednesday!

Good blood!!!

Lets all hope my CBC has rebounded enough that I can go grocery shopping today!!!

Emails

 It has been brought to my attention that if you sign up to recieve my blog by email again that you will be notitfied when I post.  Thanks Tara!!!

Dive Bombs

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good.  My plan for the day was to get my blood checked then head to babies r us to look for the disposable bibs that I have grown so fondly of and hit the mall with Maddie and Aunt Carol.  Aunt Carol drove just in case I needed to get a shot.  The two of them decided to stay in the car and wait for me.  I went in to the office and right back to the lab.  Angel, the head nurse came over to take my blood and before the poked me said "Good blood, good blood, NO SHOT".  I love that the entire office staff is as corny as I am.  Well Angel's chant did not work.  My blood dive bombed.  I was at 3.4, which is not terrible it is still concerning and I needed a neupogen shot.  I got to meet the NP, PA (cant remember what she said she was) of the practice she was great.  I really liked her, she knew I was going to try to negotiate out of the shot, there must be a note in my ever thickening chart.  After my shot we talked a few more minutes on things I should be staying away from, large crowds, sick people, potentially sick people, raw foods and fruits with skins that are eatable (ie: apples, strawberries etc.)  Since the mall was a NO GO for yesterday we headed home.   By the time we pulled in the driveway my jaw was killing me.  I can not even begin to describe this pain.  I can not open my mouth for a couple of hours it hurts so badly.  After it passes I ache all over but nothing too bad just more uncomfortable.  Both Jeff and Aunt Carol have sympathy pains, I dont know if this is a good thing or not.  I think it is great that they actually know the level of pain I am in, however I think someone should not be in pain in our house. 

Sorry for the back track, however you will see the significance of the title in a moment.  I had never seen a Killdeer bird before until Julie had emailed a picture of one that had nested in her yard.  She also sent me a description of these birds.  They are labeled precocious, kind of like Michael in Mary Poppins.  If someone gets too close to their nest they will divert you away from it by pretending to be hurt as you get closer to the bird they will get up and dive bomb you.  Well Thursday around lunch time, I let Jack out to go to the bathroom, Aunt Carol was sitting with the baby and I was looking out of the kitchen sink window.  That is when I saw it.  A bird dive bombed Jack right in his skinny butt.  He came running back towards the house the entire time the bird just kept swooping and pegging him.  Aunt Carol got the door open and poor Jack came in.  The proud bird perched itself on top of our patio umbrella.  We checked him over and laughed about it and thought it would be a one time thing.  BOY WAS I WRONG.  I let him back out Thursday night after dinner and he only stepped off of the patio when it happened again.  When Jeff got home I told him, I said I quickly looked for a nest but was not going to go out there to be attacked by a bird.  Jeff picked up the metal pooper scooper that we have and walked around he didnt see anything either.  Yesterday it happened twice again as well as this morning.  I did look up on how to get rid of these birds of course, like my woodchuck that tried to break in my house last year, shooting them is always the best way.  They also suggested getting a dog, well the bird is attacking my dog.  Maybe this bird knows he is old, and scared of his own shadow.  Jack will bark off a rabbit or deer but this stupid bird he runs from.  Even Aunt Carol suggested we look into getting a bb gun.  So if anyone is looking for something funny to see feel free to stop by and watch poor Jack get chased and pegged by a bird as Jeff, Aunt Carol or I chase it with a pooper scooper.  Maybe Santa will bring me a red rider bb gun, this year.

The day after...

I am feeling pretty good today.  I have an odd taste in my mouth but nothing too gross.  My left arm and cheeks turned red again, I took a zyrtec and the redness has gone away.  I just find it funny that only one arm turns red.  Maddie is in her crib (not napping, but having a good time in there), I have already walked and jogged two miles and have had about a gallon of water to flush everything out of me.  I am now contemplating shampooing the family room carpet, I just need Jack to move so I can relocate his bed. 

Cleared for #2

My blood was still holding steady today so I am all hooked up and getting my pre meds now. I did as for a double and Dr R laughed and said no. At lease he knew I was sort of joking (you never know unless you ask right), be did t go into he science end of it, again I will come back on Friday for a blood check and possible neupogen injection. We will try to avoid the injections if possible. This will not only decrease pain too but the shot it self is expensive too.
I Gained another pound this week, ugg. Pretty soon the scale will just yell fat ass when it sees me. My treadmill was delivered and put together yesterday and I did a mile jog yesterday, I just need to get a daily routine and Maybe some ab work in to that too.

Whoo hoo

I knew my counts would be good today. There was no way I could feel as well as I do and not have had them rebound. I just didn't realize how well they would. The normal range is between 4-10 I can dip as low as 3 and still get chemo. Well today I scored??? Guess??? Come on!!!!

38!!!!!!

So I will be getting chemo on Wednesday. I'm going to as for a double to make up for last week. I am not hopeful they will so this but its worth asking. :)

To quote DJ Lance Dance..

"I feel AWESOME". 
For those of you who do not have little ones, DJ Lance Dance is the MC on Yo Gabba gabba which is on Nick jr. 

With my counts as low as they where this week Dr. M decided to start me on neupogen injections I had three this week, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  The pain from neupogen was very different from neulasta.  Neulasta felt like the flu, it was a general ache and pain.  Neupogen I actually felt in my bones might crack in half.  Neulasta was more my upper back and shoulders and Neupogen was lower back and hips as well as massive pain in my jaw.  However yesterday and today I feel great.  I have not felt this well in a long time.  I accomplished so much yesterday.  I finished two organization projects I have been working on, changed the sheets on on our bed, organized our family room and a few more little things that I have been pushing off.  Today, though I feel great, I have been a bit more distracted but plan to get my butt in gear soon.  I am pretty sure I will be getting these injections for the next 11 weeks however I can deal with two or three days of feeling like my hips might crumble when I move to feel as great as I did this weekend!!!  Maybe next weekend I can go outside and weed our landscaping, or shampoo the carpets, or give Jack a bath, organize my dining room.... Oh, think of all of the things I can get done!!!!!!!!! 

SHAME... I remember having that

Everyone told me that you loose all shame when you have a baby.  I did, a little.  I did freak out when the discharge Doc decided to check out my stitches (I had a c-section) as I was getting out of the shower and left all the doors open.  I think I am still scared from that, so are many of the people walking the halls of Vassar Brothers that morning.

If you remember a few posts back I mentioned this women that my hair dresser introduced me to.  As we spoke that day she asked if I wanted to see what her reconstruction looked like, I said sure, so she showed me.  We are still having someone clean the house and her assistant is a survivor and she wanted me to see that her skin three years after the fact looks great after radiation so she too flashed me.  Thursday as I was leaving Dr F's office after my fill a women tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was a survivor, I said not yet, I am still in treatment., she just got her one year clean award.  She then asked if Dr F was doing my reconstruction, I said YES.   Dr F does not have a "brag book", which is great and bad at the same time.  I have no clue what his work looks like however I did not have to pose for those embarrassing pictures either.  Well she offered to go back inside and show me.  I declined and headed on my way, but wondered am I going to stop bald women and offer to flash them in the future?

NO GO today....

Well if I thought 1.2 was bad, 1.1 is even worse.  Today was the first time we have seen Dr Maresca since our initial "I'm back" visit.  I was excited to see him, I like him and his dry humor.  We did joke today which was nice however we decided that I have other things to do with my weekend than to have a stay at vassar.  So they gave me a nupagin injection and I will get another one tomorrow and Friday. The injection is to increase my white blood cells so I can receive chemo.  I may need to get these injections for the remainder of my treatments.  I go back on Monday for a CBC then chemo again on Wed.  I thought about changing my day to Monday but then I would never see Dr. M, he is never in that office on Mondays.  So I am sticking to Wednesdays. 
As for feelings on this, one of the techs asked if I was upset with this or if I was happy to have a week off.  I am not happy, I have a deadline and I am now pushed back a week.  I did confirm that there is nothing I can do myself to increase my counts, vitamins, blueberries, beef, or even pleading with them, nothing there will help.  That is why I am on the injection.  I also started my cipro and will be on germ-a-phob overload.

If the shoe fits.

**Disclaimer** This post is not directed at any one person, the thoughts are just conversations that have happened around our house.

The other day I was on Facebook, again and one of the links I "like" is Living beyond breast cancer.  They posed a question for their forum, "What was the hardest thing for you when your treatment was over?".  So many people commented that their hardest thing was that people stopped helping.  That even after the radiation has ended that you still feel the effects of it and are still fatigued.  I read this post and comments to Aunt Carol and our answer was at least I will not have that let down.  Again, please read the disclaimer.  I am not complaining.  I am just surprised by some peoples inactions.  I think we are all disappointed by some people and I think we (Aunt Carol, Jeff and I) have different lists of things that disappoint us.  I am not looking for someone to show up and clean my house, I know it is a undertaking and I am specific about it.  Or show up every night with food, however it kills me inside when people say, "I would drop food off, however, my cooking does not compare yours"  Thank you for the compliments on my cooking, I am very proud of my cooking skills considering I failed home-ec twice.  However, home cooked food from anyone is still better than Foo-Chow or Albi's or a chicken from Sams club, which is what we are eating alot of now.  Maybe because I am not the "squeaky wheel" people do not understand that this is hard.  Chemo sucks.  And from what I hear radiation is not a picnic in the park either.  I guess it is a good thing that I do not have feeling on most of my left side, at least I will not feel the pain from the radiation.

I remember the first week of my diagnosis my hair dresser introduced me to a 14 year survivor who also was diagnosed in her 30s.  One of the things she said to me that I thought was harsh was that this will open my eyes and I will be able to write people off.  I thought HOW TERRIBLE.  I could never write anyone off.  Six months into this, I can see her point.  How sad is that.  Last night as I was giving Maddie her bath, Jeff and I again brought this topic up.  I will not allow peoples inactions get me down or bother me.  I will not sweat over it, my life is too precious not to surround myself by people who want to be with us, in good times and shitty times, like this. 

America's Funniest Home Video

If you all remember back MANY posts ago to "The Almost Killer Stingray"..  I was on Facebook the other day and Disney Cruise lines said that America's FHV filmed on the Disney Dream.  I quickly clicked on the link to see if they filmed on there or if they had people submit videos from there.  They filmed  an episode on the boat.  So I was safe.  Since I feel like a big shot since I figured out how to post pics I thought I would try my hand at a video.  Please keep in mind neither Maddie or I was hurt, I didnt even black and blue..

The "J" in June if for Jeff

I will probably get in trouble but here it goes.  Today is Jeff's birthday and as much as he says it is not a big deal he LOVES it.   He did not want me to make a big deal out of his day this year and I didnt.  However, I hope he knows how much I love him and would have gotten up early, cooked, cleaned and had a party if that is what he wanted.  I could not imagine having to go through this journey with out him.  He has been a rock when I have wanted to run.  He has picked up the slack when I have not been able to do things (around the house, with Maddie or even things with Jack).  He has gone to every doctors appointment with me, sat next to me at chemo, and has waited on me hand and foot when I just can not seem to get out of my own way.  I truly am blessed have such a great friend and partner for LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

My first Piggy's

I think I figured out PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling good...

I am now at day three after my first Taxol treatment.  I am feeling good.  I did have some muscle pain on Thursday and Friday and was a little tired, I did take a nap yesterday, but all in all it wasnt that bad.  The pain though annoying it was 100 percent manageable.  I do have some slight heartburn, however pepcid takes care of that (when I remember to take it) and I itch.  The itch is nothing like the PUPP I had when pregnant so I will again not complain about that. 

 I can not state it enough, the experience I have had at the new Oncology office is wonderful.  They are all so caring and sweet.  They had me at the numbing of my port though.  Could you imagine how much belly aching I would be doing if I was still with the old practice.

A little about today

I promise more tomorrow. However a slight fog from the benedryl I am doing really well. I feel really well. More tomorrow, promise